MOAA Spouse Blog Has Moved!

The MOAA Spouse blog has gotten a new look. Please update your bookmarks and join us at: http://moaablogs.org/spouse/ for a peek into the world of a military spouse. Share your tips and ideas for coping with deployments, and everyday life!

Army Wives Red Carpet Event at Walter Reed

Happy 4th of July! Over the years, we've looked for special ways to commemorate this holiday, but I think this year is going to be tough to beat.

Because of the success of their show, Army Wives, Lifetime television decided that they would kick off the holiday week with a series of events to honor our servicemembers and their families. Many of us were very honored to be invited to participate in the first of these events that took place at Walter Reed. The event would be a screening of one of the upcoming episodes held for selected guests and our nation's heroes and their families. It was a great evening. The USO and Lifetime went to great lengths to put on a wonderful event for the wounded warriors and their families. Everyone was very relaxed and enjoyed tinseltown being brought to them. Lee Woodruff, wife of anchorman, Bob Woodruff gave an incredibly moving presentation about the road their family traveled when her husband came back from Iraq severely injured. We all shared equal time crying and laughing.

As part of the evening's festivities, they invited some military spouses to share the red carpet with two of their stars (Sally Pressman and Brigid Brannagh) as well as big whigs from Lifetime television. I joined a handful of other military spouses to walk the red carpet, pose for pictures and answer questions about being a military spouse. It was all somewhat surreal. Even more so now when I'm getting phone calls from people who are seeing quotes and pictures in national newspapers! Very strange..... I thought I'd share some pictures with you from the event:

Tanya Biank signed books for everyone. What a good sport she is... Tanya writes a personal message in each book, so at the end of the evening, she was exhausted.

Lee Woodruff felt so strongly about attending the event that she left her family in the middle of their vacation and flew down for the day. She gave an incredibly moving speech and we all appreciated her candor and humour. The Woodruffs obviously care very deeply about servicemembers and their families.

Real Military spouses with the "Army Wives". From left to right: me, Sally Pressman, Mitja Baumhackl, Tanya, Brigid Brannagh and Nicole Alcorn. You probably remember that Tanya and Nicole were on our spouse council this past year and Mitja has applied for next year's spouse council. MOAA gets around!

Here we all are with Mrs. Sheila Casey, Kari Darga and Lee Woodruff. Mrs. Casey was giving us media tips and had us laughing hysterically!

Tanya with Sally

Brigid, Tanya and Sally. Brigid and Sally were still taking pictures and signing autographs well past when the rest of us packed it up. Their affection and respect for our military families was readily apparent.

The Caseys share a moment on the red carpet.

All in all, a tremendous evening and one that won't be quickly forgotten!

Military Spouse Symposium

Well, I'm happy to say that we held our 2nd Annual Military Spouse Symposium and it was a huge success. We will post the photo essay on the web soon, but for now I thought I would share some of the news coverage with you.

Spouses on Set: Behind the Scenes Video

So our purpose for going down to the set of Army Wives? To find out how they maintain the integrity of their portrayals of military personnel and their families. What we learned was matched only by what the cast and crew learned from the spouses who accompanied us on the trip. Check out the video here.

A Day on the Set

The day we visited the set, we watched a scene being shot by Brigid (Pamela) in which she’s having a rough day and unloading groceries, muttering under her breath while her kids are playing at the kitchen table. It's amazing seeing what goes on behind creating the perfect mood and shot. We watched them run through the scenes dozens of times utilizing different camera angles each time. It was phenomenal. The two kids at the table never wavered. What tremendous little professionals they are. I can't imagine our kids doing anything over that many times without getting bored.

Here are some pictures from our day on set...wish you'd been there. It was a blast!



We had a great time visiting the costume trailers. Because they have to shoot the scenes over so many times, they have multiples of every costume in case someone spills or snags. They shop for the clothes in many of the same places we all do. There were labels there from TJ Maxx, Target, JC Penney and others. The costume designers did tell us that some of the actor's personality will shine through in little details.



Our spouses were absolutely enamored with the Craft Table. Non-stop food all day long! We were on set rather early, so I think everyone's favorite was the homemade granola and cold Starbuckcs Frappuccinos.




Without giving too much away, I will tell you that they even built a set to look like Iraq.

I have to run to get ready for tonight's viewing party. Don't forget the second season premieres tonight at 10PM EST on Lifetime. Can't wait to see who survived the blast!

Check back in a few days for more pictures.

Dinner with the Gang

So I mentioned to you that we had the opportunity to travel down to Charleston, SC to visit the set of Army Wivse. While we were there, we played host to the cast of as well as one of their co-executive producers and director. Over dinner one night in the Historic District, we spent nearly 5 hours sharing stories about our lives as military spouses, how they go about doing researching their roles, and how they plan on keeping the stories fresh, yet true to the real military family experience. It was an incredible evening.

We discussed everything from terrible (and some humorous) experiences with movers, the fear and anxiety we have when our husbands are deployed, today's wounded warrior issues and those of their caregivers, our resilient children to funny incidents over the years that could only happen to a military family. What impressed all of us was how they really listened and asked thoughtful questions. Everyone from the actors to the producer took copious notes and at the end of the evening, we had all traded information and left with promises to keep in touch.

I don't think any of us imagined they would spend that much time with us or that they would genuinely enjoy poring over the family photos we brought along. I know they had to be on set early the next day, but it wasn't until the clock started creeping toward midnight and the restaurant staff started leaving that we thought about parting ways. It was an amazing dinner and one none of us will soon forget.

After chatting with the other spouses who accompanied us on the trip, the impression we all got was that these were people who hold the military and military families in extremely high regard. Here are some pictures for you from the dinner.



Here's us at dinner with Kim Delaney and Brian McNamera



The author of Army Wives, Tanya Biank is on our Spouse Council. Here she is between Debbie and Brian McNamera.



When the producer and director left, we combined our two tables and stayed to chat with Kim, Brian and though you can't see her in this picture, Brigid Brannagh is there as well.



In this shot, you can see the video camera. Our videographer filmed footage of the dinner for a MOAA video that will soon debuted on our web site. So, even though you weren't there, you can listen in on the dinner conversation.

Check back in the next couple of days and I'll share pictures of our day on the set.

Army Wives Road Trip

A couple weeks ago, I had the opportunity to take several of our spouse council members down to Charleston, South Carolina to visit the set of Army Wives and meet with cast and crew. We were shadowed by a videographer who shot a “Behind the Scenes” look of the series that will be featured on the MOAA website. The series premiered on Lifetime Television in June 2007 and is based on the non-fiction book—originally titled Under the Sabers: The Unwritten Code of Military Marriage by Tanya Biank who serves on our Council. Since its premiere, the show regularly draws in between 3.5 to 4.1 million viewers.

I’m sure you already know this, but the television drama series follows a group of Army Wives through their lives as they weather deployments and deal with other homefront issues. We were able to spend nearly 5 hours at dinner with the cast and executive producer sharing stories about our lives and answering questions. Then we spent the entire next day on set consulting with cast and crew and watching the filming. What was remarkable to us all was the way they listened to our comments and suggestions. They seemed genuinely interested in getting things right and we were more than happy to share our insights....just another example of how the spouse council serves their peers by helping to shape the image of today's military spouse.

The new season starts this Sunday at 10 pm.



Lifetime's sponsoring viewing parties all around the country. We're all attending one in Alexandria this Sunday. Think about throwing your own!

PS: Check back tomorrow and I'll share some pictures from our trip.



This is just another example of how MOAA’s Spouse Council serves their peers by shaping the image of today’s military spouse.

Theme Song of Your Life

Do you remember the series, Ally McBeal? She had a theme song for every significant (and sometimes insignificant) event in her life. She’d have a fight with a co-worker, escape in the bathroom and Barry White would be in there with his backup singers serenading her. She’d break up with her boyfriend and Vonda Shepard would tickle the ivories and sing about her blues. Her life had its own musical score.

Last year when my husband was gone, I was having some difficulty balancing everything and I remember hearing this song by Rodney Atkins called, If You’re Going Through Hell. It really resonated.

If You’re Going Through Hell

Well you know those times
When you feel like there's a sign there on your back
Says I don't mind if ya kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Use the needle of your compass
To sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie
In a bottle of Jim Beam
And she lies to you

That's when you learn the truth
If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there…

It made me feel better every time I heard it because it was a reminder that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I still love this song. So share, what’s the theme song of your life and why?

May 9th is Military Spouse Appreciation Day

I’ve spent the past week attending different events recognizing military spouses from the White House to events sponsored by Military Spouse magazine and the Military Newspapers of Virginia recognizing spouses who have made tremendous contributions to their communities. It’s clear that the leadership is making a big effort to support and recognize military spouses because they understand that family quality of life issues are important to both recruiting and retention. They know that your contributions are numerous and they matter.

Hearing the stories behind the awards and recognitions, one thing stood out…. even after years of increased op tempo and back to back deployments, you all are still doing just as much to support fellow spouses and better your community at large. That spirit of volunteerism and philanthropy is what sets the military spouse community apart. It doesn’t matter how much you’re missing your loved one who is probably thousands of miles away, or how worried you are, you still find time to give back and take care of others. There is no question in my mind that it is your spirit and your unflagging support that make it possible for your spouse to do what they do. Military life is not for the faint of heart and it’s great to see military spouses getting the attention you deserve.

Happy Military Spouse Appreciation Day!

A note from the President

THE WHITE HOUSE

Office of the Press Secretary

­
For Immediate Release May 5, 2008



MILITARY SPOUSE DAY, 2008

- - - - - - -

BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

A PROCLAMATION


Military spouses embody the courage, nobility of duty, and love of country that inspire every American. On Military Spouse Day, we pay tribute to the husbands and wives who support their spouses in America's Armed Forces during times of war and peace.

The legacy of military spouses began when colonial Americans were fighting for independence. Martha Washington boosted the morale of her husband's troops by visiting battlefields and tending to the wounded. Since then, members of our Armed Forces have served our Nation accompanied by the steadfast love and support of their spouses and families.

While our men and women in uniform are protecting our country's founding ideals of liberty, democracy, and justice, their spouses live with uncommon challenges, endure sleepless nights, and spend long periods raising children alone. Many military spouses are also committed volunteers, serving other military families and local communities. Our Nation benefits from the sacrifices of our military families, and we are inspired by their courage, strength, and leadership.

On Military Spouse Day and throughout the year, we honor the commitment spouses have made to freedom's cause. To learn about ways to support our troops and their spouses and families, I encourage all Americans to visit www.americasupportsyou.mil.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim May 9, 2008, as Military Spouse Day. I call upon the people of the United States to observe this day with appropriate ceremonies and activities and by expressing their gratitude to the husbands and wives of those serving in the United States Armed Forces.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this fifth day of May, in the year of our Lord two thousand eight, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-second.


GEORGE W. BUSH

Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day

Today was the national Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day.

A group of us from MOAA along with volunteers from our President’s Currently Serving Spouse Council spent the day at the Pentagon participating in the Pentagon Courtyard event. We sponsored last year’s inaugural event and returning this year, it was amazing to see how it’s already grown.

I would bet that there were at least 2000 people there today. Lots of parents in uniform with their kids in tow. Uniforms and chubby , little fingers mixing with glue and glitter. At the end of the day, it’s a reminder that the war and the mission only speak to half of the military experience. The other half is the family at home.

I love this one day out of the year at the Pentagon when both halves meet for just a few hours.

In addition to today’s festivities, April is also the Month of the Military Child. Check out this website in case you’re inspired to do a project with your own kids.

Cash for Careers

Remember the Career Advancement Accounts we spoke about earlier? These are the accounts for military spouses that go toward funding education costs at the rate of $3000 per year, renewal for up to 2 years for a maximum of $6000. It’s a program that has come out of a collaboration between the Department of Defense and the Department of Labor to promote portable career options for military spouses. It’s currently being piloted at 18 demonstration sites in 8 states.

Although a great deal, many of us were very disappointed in that the program was too narrow in its scope. Originally, only spouses married to E-1’s to E-5’s and O-1’s to O-3’s were eligible and you had to be pursuing a course of study in 5 disciplines deemed highly portable. Well, I’m happy to announce that the program has been expanded to include active duty military spouses married to service members of any rank (at the demonstration sites) and they have added several more categories to the areas of study. Check it out.

Last Lecture

I know many of you have probably heard of Randy Pausch, the college professor who gave a "last lecture" that was posted on You Tube and has been viewed by millions worldwide.



He’s been featured on ABC news, Good Morning America, Nightline and number of other shows. The lecture was his legacy to his three children and speaks to the lessons that he wanted to leave behind. Regardless of who you are, I think his lessons resonate for all of us.

* Always have fun
* Dream big
* Ask for what you want
* Dare to take a riskLook for the best in everybody
* Make time for what matters
* Let kids be themselves

MOAA Military Spouse Symposium

I’m happy to report that the registration for MOAA’s 2nd Military Spouse Symposium is now live!

Last year’s symposium was a blast. In addition to spouses from Maryland, Virginia, DC and Delaware, we had spouses join us from as far away as Chicago, Illinois and Ft. Bragg, North Carolina. I think everyone felt like they walked away with more knowledge and enjoyed the opportunity to network with other spouses and the speakers.

This year’s event should be even better. The intent of our Symposium is to provide an open forum for military spouses and those personnel working military spouse and family issues by presenting recognized experts addressing thought-provoking topics. This year’s Symposium will consist of a morning panel discussion on Building Strong Military Marriages followed by a Military Benefits Update for Yourself and the Families you Serve. After reading the feedback forms, we found that people enjoyed the informative sessions more than the speakers, so this time around, we’re going to offer breakout sessions delving into: Military Spouse Employment, Family Support or Legislative Affairs. All this will be followed by an afternoon reception.

Should be a great time. The event takes place Thursday, June 19th from 8:45 until 4:00 at the Virginia Beach Convention Center. If you’re in the area, come join us. Check out the information on the MOAA website. Feel free to e-mail me at moaaspouse@moaa.org if you have any questions.

Over the next couple of weeks, I’ll spend some time highlighting the speakers we’ll have at the event.

Joint Spouses Luncheons

The other day, I was privileged to be invited to attend the Joint Spouses’ Luncheon in Hampton Roads. The DC equivalent of this event is the Joint Armed Forces Officers Wives Luncheon (JAFOWL). Legend has it that these luncheons came about decades ago when one of the spouse clubs asked famed journalist, Art Buchwald to come speak to their group in 1977. Mr. Buchwald had a soft spot in his heart for the military and replied that he didn’t normally do that many speaking engagements and did not relish the thought of fielding multiple invitations from each of the area groups, but if all the spouses’ clubs in the area could get together for one joint event, he would be happy to speak. Thus was born the tradition of the Joint Spouses’ Luncheons. Since then, the five services: Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard have come together to put together this annual event.

The speakers are generally well known. Past speakers at the JAFOWL include: President Bush, General Pace, Lee Woodruff and of course, Art Buchwald. I’m sure that for many of the spouses attending, it is these famous speakers who are the draw. Not for me. What I love about these luncheons is that they are joint with spouses representing all services, all components. At the DC JAFOWL, I’ve met spouses there whose husbands retired in the area – they’ve been coming to these luncheons since they first started and can count on one hand the number they’ve missed.

My favorite part of the entire event is always when they sing the respective service songs and ask the attendees to stand when their service song is sung. It’s always fun to hear each group try to outdo the others. I always feel sorry for the Coast Guard spouses because they are always smallest in number. Although, there are not generally ever that many Marine spouses, but they always beat the rest of us because they sing the loudest!

Anyway, back to last week’s lunch. I was floored by the time and attention that went into the event. – no detail was overlooked. The event was held on an Air Force Base, so one of the ladies had decided it would be nice if each attendee could take home a memento. To that end, she had contacted Lockheed Martin to see if they would donate 200 F-22 charms. Then she proceeded to drill holes in the handle of 200 spreaders so that she could thread and wrap around a thin wire decorated with lovely beads and the F-22 charm. At some point, I will take a picture of this and upload it for you all. A friend of mine remarked that the woman who had decorated all these spreaders had to go through carpal tunnel surgery...but she quickly added that it had nothing to do with having to drill the 400 holes and decorating the spreaders....as if!

All kidding aside, the entire event was fabulous and I walked away having made new friends and once again filled with a renewed appreciation for our community.

Okinawa Dreaming

A few assignments ago, we were stationed in Okinawa, Japan. When we first got the assignment, I was somewhat apprehensive. Though both my husband and I came from a cosmopolitan upbringing, being stationed in the mid-West for a few years had made us very comfortable in small town America. An assignment to Japan was unexpected and threw me for a loop.

He was excited about the prospect of flying around the Pacific. I was stressed about everything from not knowing how to speak the language and being perceived as an “ugly American” to having to weed through our stuff and pick out the few items we would take along to Japan.*

Even though a visit to the Family Support Center provided us with some basic knowledge of what we could expect with an overseas tour, it felt like we were just scratching the surface. I was craving some inside information and tips. A friend of ours in the squadron had just pcs’ed back from Kadena AB, so she was more than happy to share her knowledge, but after awhile you start to feel needy with all the questions and curiosity. You can imagine my excitement when I found a great resource out there for anyone pcs’ing to or currently stationed on Okinawa.

A couple weeks ago, I was rooting around the internet when I happened upon this gem of a website/blog called Okinawahai. It’s an amalgamation of blogs and probably one of the purest versions of an online community for military families that I’ve seen out there. You can tell from the depth of the site that the contributors have a genuine interest in the subject matter. As a visitor, you’ll really enjoy the good dialogue and great posts. You’ll see everything from examples of: off-base housing (complete with pictures), specialty stores, restaurant reviews, things to do and places to see.

If you’re headed to Okinawa, have ever been curious about an overseas assignment, or are just plain nostalgic, you should definitely check out this site. I’ve already bookmarked the site because it’s fun showing my son the different places we used to go when we were on the island. It’s great to see what things have changed and what has stayed the same.


* They are now relaxing weight limits on household goods for some tours in Japan, but back then, the policy was somewhat limiting.

Milspouse Bloggers

This MOAA Spouse blog was recently included in an Armed Forces Journal article about Military Spouse bloggers written by Christopher Griffin as part of his ongoing series, The Blogs of War.

It’s a great piece - check it out.

Seller Beware

Like many military families, we have collected lots of stuff over the years and now find ourselves trying to fit into a much smaller home. We keep threatening to have a garage sale, but they require way too much work and planning. Our friends who find themselves in the same situation have had a lot of luck selling their stuff on the Internet, so we thought we’d give it a try and offer up some excess furniture to see how it would go. Novices, we didn’t quite know what to expect so we were thrilled when we received a fair amount of interest.

We decided to go with the first person who e-mailed in. She told us she would send a cashier’s check and then some movers to pick up the furniture once we confirmed receipt of payment. When the check arrived, it was written for $2000 over the asking price. Of course, our prospective buyer immediately followed up with an e-mail stating that the bank had made a mistake and that we should go ahead and deposit the check and wire the difference back to her. As if….

I know we all hear about these stupid scams and think it could never happen to us. While I no longer believe that, I think you can minimize the risks of becoming a victim of financial scams by being well informed. You remember that I told you I was an absolute news junkie last year watching and reading as much as possible. It’s only because of this that I remembered hearing about this exact scam.

Here is some information for you in case you or anyone you know are ever approached in this manner. The following link provides good guidance on identifying potential scams and what to do if you think you’re being targeted:
http://www.occ.treas.gov/ftp/ADVISORY/2007-1.html

Remember, you’re not a victim if you don't fall for it.

Business Trip

I was a stay home mom for over 12 years. I tell you this as background….I’ve only just started working full time in the last three years, so the career woman gig is somewhat new to me and I’m still feeling my way around.

I spent this past week in San Diego delivering a presentation and doing a site visit. I was so busy that every night I would crawl into bed and crash. With some guilt, I have to admit that I didn’t spend too much time thinking about how my family was doing back home. I left them with the best support system possible – my entire family lives in the immediate area and we have great friends who are always willing to pitch in. I was so busy getting ready for the trip and planning the meetings that I wasn’t too worried about my family. There were a couple nights when I tried to call home and due to the time difference, invariably woke my husband up. So, I gave up and figured they were doing well; otherwise I would be receiving frantic texts and phone messages.

I think of all the TDYs and deployments when my husband was gone….while we did alright, something always went wrong (remember the lightning strike and car accident while he was in Pakistan and the broken water main while he was in Dallas?), we missed him terribly and always felt the void in our family. It always seems like such a struggle to hold it together, work full time and get our son to all his activities. Then why does it seem like my husband who shouldn’t be that adept at being a single parent seemed to fare so much better than I usually do?!!?

At first glance, it seemed like they did better on their own than when I’m around. I’m not going to lie to you….I was a bit put out that they didn’t even seem to notice that I was gone for nearly a week. The house was spotless and they were both wearing clean clothes (although it was below freezing and my son was sporting shorts - with a sweatshirt mind you, but still shorts all the same). They didn’t even need me! I don’t care if it makes me a small person. My husband has his flying, his career, his dreams….all I had going for me were two dusty diplomas on the wall and years of being the primary caregiver for our son so that he could grow up to be happy and well-adjusted. Much of my identity was forged in the knowledge that for our son, I was the constant, the anchor in an otherwise unpredictable lifestyle. I was torn between being happy that they did so well on their own while I was gone to being annoyed that I was so insignificant in their lives!

Outside of the other stuff, my husband even had the nerve to look good. He should look frazzled from all the unaccustomed running around and pressures of having to take care of everything while working full time. And Murphy’s Law states that something should have either blown up, broken apart or stopped working altogether. No such luck….how dare he make it all look so easy?!!?

Then upon closer inspection, the truth started coming out….the laundry hadn’t been done in over a week, the roasted chicken that was ready to be thrown out when I left was still in the fridge and the reason they both looked so relaxed was because my son hadn’t gone to a single one of his activities all week!

So does it make me a bad person if I admit that I am a little smug (just a little) that they may have faltered a little while I was gone? They do still need me!

State of Union Support for Spouses

President Bush closed his State of Union by calling for more support for military spouse employment. I have to think that the majority of Americans probably glossed over that, but to some of us, that resonated. Support for your service member spouse shouldn’t have to come at the cost of your own dreams and ambitions. Any additional opportunities or support we could offer military families to make the decision to stay in the military work for their lifestyle constitutes a win-win situation. The spouse is able to pursue a career, the service member continues to do what they love and the nation retains an all-volunteer force.

Murphy’s Law – Part II

I read all sorts of regulations concerning OPSEC (Operational Security) and have to wonder who is leaking information about troop movements and TDYs to Murphy? How does Murphy/the Universe/Karma know when the guys are gone?

You remember that when my husband was in Pakistan we had lightning hit the house and were involved in a car accident. I figured we had surely paid our dues and Murphy would move on. Not so….my husband is gone again and wouldn’t you know it…our favorite houseguest moves back in.

My neighbor rang our doorbell yesterday morning and let me know that we had a lovely ice rink going on at the bottom of our very hilly yard - a good indication of a possible water main break.

Of course, I fall back on the solution that’s worked in the past. Call the guy you know didn’t deploy and hope he can help you out. In this case, it was a friend of ours who has retired in the area. You can only imagine the comedy of errors that ensued.

While our friend, John was incredibly helpful in offering solutions on how to shut off the water, find the source of the leak, and the correct protocols to follow to prevent having to call a plumber – I think he went into the situation thinking he was dealing with a person who is semi-literate in home maintenance and would even know what an intake valve is never mind where the main line would be located. But hey, if he was willing to offer solutions, who was I to turn him down or not at least attempt to implement some of his suggestions?

Could there be anything more comical than me outside in freezing cold weather supervising my poor son as he digs a hole in our yard to diagnose where the water might be coming from? Once he had dug a relatively deep hole and we determined that there was some leakage, we both watched that hole slowly filling up with water much in the manner of a soothsayer reading tea leaves waiting for some type of wisdom to come to us. It never happened. Love John….but in the end, limitations won out and I called the plumbers.

Fortunately, our neighbor across the street is incredibly handy, well plugged into the community and knows all the right things to do. As soon as he got home, he rushed over to help and we were discussing the best plan of action. As he was explaining how I should turn the water off myself and delay calling the County Water people until I was ready; they showed up, lights flashing, ready to turn off the water. How did they find out about our insignificant little problem you ask? My husband being the fine, upstanding citizen he is had called County Water from his TDY location hoping to help us take care of the situation in any way he could. Nice…not! Apparently our lovely little ice rink was a liability and they were going to have to shut off our water.

Not above begging, I implored the water man not to cut us off until I could fill the bathtub.

Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that all those years of living in Haiti with rolling blackouts would come in so handy! I consider it a testament to our adaptability that we both left this morning for work and school well groomed and smelling fresh and clean! I don't think my son and I have laughed as much as we did last night as we tried to take care of basic needs with me diligently rationing the water.

So what did I learn through the ordeal?

1. Know where your intake valve is.
2. Copper pipes are far superior to plastic pipe.
3. Take your time and get lots of estimates, ours ranged from $3200 to $6800. It really does make a big difference.
4. Some counties offer water main insurance through the utility companies. It’s worth checking into. At around $4.00 a month, it’s not a bad deal if your home is on the older side and has plastic pipe.
5. If someone is threatening to cut off your water, fill up the bathtub first so you can at least flush the toilets.
6. Take care of your neighbors, because in situations like these, they really take care of you. And last, but not least…
7. Maintain your sense of humor, especially around the kids.

PS: the ice rink is closed for business. As soon as we realized it was there, we broke up the ice and cleared the sidewalk. I think you already understand what type of luck we have, and with Murphy in residence – pre-emptive action is always better.

Family Support

In the last blog, I referenced the types of services available to spouses at the various family support centers.

They say that somewhere around 70% of military families live off the installation. Knowing this, I wonder how many people actually come back on base to utilize the services available through Fleet and Family Support, Airmen and Family Support Centers, Army Community Services, etc….

I’ve spoken to a lot of program specialists who work these programs and marvel at the depth and breadth of the free information and resources that exist out there.

As an example, when I moved to the DC area, I spent a fair amount of money having my federal résumé written. If I had done a little more research before pulling out my checkbook, I would have found out that there were federal résumé writing classes being held on at least 2 installations in my immediate vicinity.

I also read a number of books and came across some employment websites that pointed me to the importance of doing personality tests to help identify my optimal work environment. I found out that at some installations, these various assessments are offered free of charge to the spouses of currently serving military members. This prompted me to schedule an appointment to take advantage of some of the spouse employment programs available to me.

I was first given a password then directed to the web where I took both Meyers Brigg Type and the Strong Interest Inventories. Once I was done with both of these assessments, I called in for a consultation. On the day of my scheduled appointment, my consultant had an in-depth analysis of my assessment results that we discussed at some length. She then went on to help me identify the types of structure that would best suit my interests and my optimal work environments, co-workers and areas of responsibility. At the end of the session, she pointed me to some job search websites and search engines.

As military spouses, I think we are somewhat bred with low expectations, so knowing that this type of quality service was available to us for FREE blew me away. I know how much these services cost in the civilian sector (having just paid to have my résumé done), so I marvel that there are not lines of people waiting to take advantage of this program. These consultants not only understand the ins and outs of employment, they also understand the military lifestyle – many of them are military spouses or retirees themselves. They are not as apt to look at you like you’ve grown three heads when you tell them that you need the flexibility of a job that will allow you to leave when you get phone calls from your children’s schools because mom or dad has been gone for 15 months and your kids are acting out. Nor will they be as likely to balk when you talk about consideration for unexpected days off because your spouse will be in the area for an unexpected TDY from whatever remote location they are stationed to for the next year. They may tell you those ideal work situations will be challenging to find, but they’ll understand where you’re coming from.

The family support centers on all the installations are easy to find, but if you’re doing some research online before jumping in the car, use any search engine and type in the installation name and family support (or the appropriate derivative) for a good start. Many installations have people dedicated to military spouse employment, but if they don’t, calling the main number of the family support center will generally get you where you need to go.

Remember, don’t do what I did. Check out what you have available to you for free on base and online before you pull out that checkbook.

Resolutions

So - New Year, new resolutions. Conventional wisdom says that I should follow my fellow Americans and go for the requisite weight loss, fitness or financial resolution, but this year, I’m going to go big and chase after something a lot harder to attain than all the other resolutions combined.

I resolve to be happier.

Don’t let the simplicity of the resolution fool you. Happy’s hard. As women, mothers, military spouses, etc…, we worry so much about taking care of other people and holding it together that we don’t spend too much time worrying about our own happiness.

If you resolve to lose weight, shape up or get rid of debt - you can set a target goal, work toward the goal, celebrate milestones, etc…but, how do you gauge happiness? How do you know when you’ve succeeded?

About a year ago, I took advantage of the spouse employment assistance offered by the Airmen and Family Support Center of Bolling AFB and made an appointment to speak to a counselor about goals, opportunities etc…. My counselor said something during our appointment that made a huge impression. As we discussed successes and milestones in my career, she asked if I ever stopped to acknowledge the accomplishments. I have to admit I didn’t understand what she was trying to say.

Off the cuff, I answered, “Yes, I put them all on my résumé.”

She was somewhat amused. “That’s nice, but do you ever stop, have a quiet moment, pat yourself on the back for what you’ve done and acknowledge what you’ve accomplished before moving on to the next thing?”

I have to admit that I was surprised by her comment because the truth is that, no, I never do that. I just charge on, as we all do. After going back and forth a few times, she gave up on me because I was never going to get it.

I’ve thought about her comments a lot over the last year and I think I may have finally figured it out.

We are so proud of our children, of our spouses and their accomplishments. We mark their milestones with little celebrations and lots of praise. What do we do for ourselves? Why don’t we take those little moments to stop and recognize when we’ve done something great? It’s not enough to be proud of their accomplishments; we should each acknowledge our own accomplishments with the same level of pride. Not boastfully or with arrogance, just with pride in a job well done.

I won’t presume to speak for anyone else, but I know that for myself, the times when I’m happiest are when my husband or son have accomplished something in their lives or when things are going well for them. I love that my son got into the school of his dreams, that he’s so enthusiastic about his activities, that he’s doing so well. I love that my husband gets to go back to flying because that makes him happy. Knowing they’re doing well makes me happy and that won’t change.

But this year, I resolve to be happier – independent of anyone else. I resolve to acknowledge daily the things that are going well rather than worry about the things that aren’t. They say it takes 21 days to form a new habit. I’ll let you know how it’s going in about three weeks….

Happy New Year

It occurs to me that with a New Year, we all spend so much time thinking of our resolutions for the next year that we forget to take a few moments to acknowledge the great moments of the last one.

Regardless of what you may be going through, or maybe because of what you're going through, taking the time to reflect on all those little victories and successes is important. We spend so much time trying to wring the most out of life or sometimes just trying to survive a particular situation, that we sometimes forget all the great things going on around us.

As we drove to my parents' house the other night for a New Year's Eve dinner, we took the opportunity to take turns listing the events that made 2007 memorable for each of us. You would think that with my husband gone for the majority of the last year, we would have had very little to celebrate about 2007, but we quickly found that wasn't the case. The drive was about 20 minutes long and we ran out of time before we ran out of great events and milestones.

It was a great exercise and gave us each a lot of insight into what the other two considered most memorable about their year.

At midnight, when it was time to say farewell to 2007, we didn't find ourselves closing that chapter of our lives with relief that the year remote was over, we did it with much gratitude for a year rife with opportunity and successes.

Just another day at work

As the details of Benazir Bhutto's assasination began to unfold yesterday on TV, I watched with an immense sense of relief that my husband was back in the states. This was quickly followed by the guilt of knowing many of those he worked with still remain in Islamabad.

I don't even have to wonder how their families are feeling. When the assault at the Red Mosque occured a few months ago, I remember the sick feeling that permeated my entire body. I know the fear these spouses must be feeling right now compounded by the never ending news coverage of the rioting taking place in the aftermath. I also remember when I finally got to speak to my husband about my concerns, he seemed somewhat cavalier in his assertion that it was just another day at work.

Sometimes I don't think the American people at large fully understand or appreciate the professionalism of our military men and women and the sacrifices made on a daily basis by their families. Forget holidays spent away from home and missed birthdays. Incidents like yesterday remind us that military men and women as well as their families understand the inherent risk in their chosen lifestyle and yet wouldn't have it any other way.

In a perfect world, all Americans would remember that we live in the Land of the Free because of the Brave.

If your loved one is deployed, know that you are all in our thoughts and that we hope for a safe and speedy return. Best wishes for a happy and healthy 2008 to you and yours.

Change in Space-A policy

When we were stationed overseas, taking advantage of Space A travel allowed us to travel to countries and experience cultures that may have otherwise been out of our reach financially. We were also able to travel back to the states on occasion from Japan to visit friends and family. Round trip tickets to and from Okinawa were well over $1000.00, so having the option of flying Space A really helped our finances and morale.

I was thrilled to find out that dependents of deployed personnel may be able to save some travel money thanks to a new Space A policy for families. As of Dec. 6, 2007, spouses and children of personnel deployed 120 days or longer now can use military transport in CONUS, to/from CONUS, and within/between theater, provided they have a verification letter from the military member's commander. This extends the benefit that used to be limited to only overseas-based dependents who could travel to the States or within theater on one round trip.

"This policy is intended to provide better support for the military families during a deployment period," says Lt. Col. Michael Holmes, of the Office of the Assistant Deputy Undersecretary of Defense for Transportation Policy. The travel option is also available to Guard and Reserve families, as well as Navy families whose military sponsor is assigned to a deployed ship with PCS orders.

For more information check out the new policy and the AMC Space A requirements and regulations.

Shortcuts

Last year at this time, my husband was still in Pakistan and I remember being exhausted and somewhat guilty that I wasn't making a good effort to put together some sort of memorable Christmas celebration for my son. I think I felt that I just couldn't muster up enough energy to do anything. As my caterer friend reminds me, there are a lot of short cuts to make entertaining easier, and sometimes, it's just worth it to pay someone else to do it.

When we took our family vacation last month, we weren't in a position to be cooking a large meal in a rented condominium. For the first time ever, we picked up a couple of those ready made meal packages from a grocery store (ours came from Safeway, but many other stores offer the same thing ranging from the reasonable to the ridiculously expensive). Ours came with a spiral sliced ham, a fully cooked turkey, side dishes, rolls and several pies. I have to admit, it was not a bad meal. We heated everything up and while it didn't come with everyone's favorite sides, it did make for a nice Thanksgiving meal and was much more affordable than taking 12 people (from 3 families) out to dinner. I think if I'd known how easy it was, I might have looked into this option last year for our Christmas dinner. Certainly would have made things a lot easier!

If it's just you and the kids, do something different. Don't cave in to the pressure to recreate every other family holiday if the stress of doing it all yourself is getting overwhelming. When your spouse is deployed, things are different. Do whatever feels right to you whether it's inviting over other "single" parents and their children, going to a friend's house or even making reservations at nice restaurant.

Whatever you decide, don't feel guilty about taking shortcuts. Do what you need to take care of yourself.

More Semi-Homemade Tips

You can buy so many great desserts at those warehouse price clubs. Costco carries a cannoli kit. My caterer friend suggests that before you pipe the filling in the shell, dip the shells in chocolate first and let them dry before you pipe in the filling. Then garnish one end with a halved strawberry. Makes a much more appealing display.

You can also buy these great cream puffs in the refrigerated section of the price clubs. Instead of serving them right out the container, why don't you dip them in white and dark chocoloate and then dust them with chocolate shavings?

You can buy fortune cookies in bulk and make them more festive by dipping one half in tinted chocolate. These are just some of the ideas for dressing up store bought desserts. I'm sure that you can think of others.

When you're baking from scratch, why settle for one dessert when you can have two in one? Make simple sugar cookie cut outs to dress up your cupcakes. I love these ideas because they're such simple short cuts that even the youngest of your kids can help you out....and I'm all about any idea that will allow you to spend more time together.

Semi-Homemade Holiday Tips 3 and 4

Some great ideas to help you with your holiday breakfasts or brunches....


Whether they come out of a package or are made from scratch, tea breads are a great choice for holiday brunches. Two ideas for breads: you can either fill them with a savory filling such as cream cheese and smoked turkey for a nice sweet and savory sandwich, or you can frost several different breads and lay them out on a tray for an attractive display.




Scones are another great staple to keep on hand for holiday brunch entertaining. Make the dough ahead of time when you have a moment and freeze them. Then you can bake them up as you need them. A dusting of powdered sugar, some fruit and a mint garnish and you're all set to go. If you're really short of time, buy the scones already prepared and set them out in a similar manner with some fruit or berries.

Semi-Homemade Holidays

I don’t know about you, but I’m one of those crazies who will indeed, try to do it all myself. When we were younger, it was born out of necessity. A captain doesn’t make a lot of money and if you want Christmas with all the trappings, you were cobbling things together with found items around the house and craft store finds for ornaments and decorations. Catering get-togethers was out of the question because it was cost-prohibitive.

As a stay home mom, time was my friend – when our son was asleep, or otherwise occupied with play dates, I used the time to channel my creativity into some really sad looking homemade ornaments (while my friends turned out beautifully crafted offerings, mine were always just a little sub-par) and some decent baked goods. Regardless of how much money we didn’t have, we always invited the singles to our table and in order to put out a feast, there was a fair amount of baking and cooking that took place.

Nowadays, things are a little different. We both work, so while time is no longer our friend (we never seem to have any), we have the funds to pay for party trays and to have some portion of our holiday meals catered. What I hate though is that as we go around to all the holiday parties, we keep seeing the same price club/grocery store trays and food items. I begin to feel like I’m part of some elaborate groundhog’s day cycle. I firmly believe that there are ways to purchase some of these trays and frozen items and doctor them up to make them more appealing and set them apart from the other frozen quiches, meatballs and assorted baked goods you’ll be eating over the next few weeks. If we had the time, I’m sure we could all figure out hundreds of ways to do it better. But, as I said earlier, during the holidays, time is not your friend and if we had some found time, I’d rather spend it with the family. So, I consulted one of my catering friends for some tips on how to remove some of the pressure of entertaining during the holidays with some semi-homemade tips. He gave me a slew of them, but I thought I’d share about 10 of them with you. In the interest of space, I’ll give you two a day for this entire week:

When setting out chips and dip, set out a variety of chips and dips on the same tray so that you have a visually appealing display. As an example: instead of just putting out chips and salsa, put out three different colored corn chips and three different salsas. Or, if you’re putting out pita or bagel chips, buy three different spreads to put out with them. The contrast in color is more appealing.



Never buy shrimp cocktail from a caterer. Unless you’re by the ocean, the shrimp is the same frozen shrimp you can buy in the grocery store. (A word of caution – when you thaw the shrimp, always do it under running cold water as opposed to thawing it in the refrigerator.) And never, ever buy the frozen shrimp cocktail rings as those were probably formed a few months prior. Buy some store bought cocktail sauce and be creative in the way you display the shrimp.

Check in tomorrow for 2 more tips…

A Different Christmas Poem

I wanted to share with you all a wonderful poem that was sent to me by a friend. I'm not sure who the author is...if you know, please send their name forward because I would love to credit them.

As we run around buying gifts, fighting crowds and stuffing ourselves during the holiday season, it's easy to forget the things that are really important. This poem is a great reminder...

A Different Christmas Poem

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.

A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"

For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts.
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.

Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother.
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."

"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

Cash for Careers

Everyone is abuzz about the new program demonstration launched through a cooperative effort by the Department of Defense and the Department of Labor to help spouses pay for education and credentialing costs associated with pursuing careers in certain high demand, high growth sectors. For more information on the specifics, check out the press release.

While the demonstration is limited to 18 military installations in 8 eight states, it’s a good start. If you or anyone you know is eligible for the program, you should look into it. Service to your country shouldn't come at the sacrifice of your own dreams and goals or that of your family. This initiative addressing the education and credentialing challenges of military spouses is a step in the right direction of helping many spouses live up to their potential while maintaining the home front.

When we were stationed in Germany, I took advantage of the Spouse Tuition Assistance Program to help defray the cost of pursuing a master’s degree. There are so many of these great programs out there. If you’re interested in furthering your education, it’s worth investing some time to check out what pots of money you might be eligible for. We have a great scholarship finder that gives you a starting point. The NMFA also has a great resource. If you know of any other resources, share them with us.

Sounds of the Holidays

Every year around this time, our family tries to take in a holiday concert to help ease us into the craziness of the season. For the past couple of years, we've been going to listen to the National Symphony Orchestra at the Kennedy Center. They always put on a great show, bringing in local celebrities and engaging the audience with a holiday sing along at the end. We always leave in a great mood thinking there is no better way to start the season.

This year, we thought we'd try something different. Instead of going to hear the NSO, we would go hear a military band. Yesterday, our family travelled up to Baltimore to hear a performance by the U.S. Army Field Band. In years past, at the various concerts we attended, there have been nods made to the sacrifices made by military families and troops stationed around the world and in harm's way. It always seemed like a politically correct box to check. While not quite insincere, it always seemed like a cheap and easy way for people to spend a second thinking about the troops stationed overseas. Those moments while touching, always seemed a little unsatisfying.

At yesterday's concert, there were tributes to the troops serving both at home and overseas in every nuance of the afternoon from the music selection to the video messages from the field played throughout the concert on large screens overhead. Military humor and snippets of military life were injected into every minute of the proceedings ranging from self-deprecating Army/Navy football jokes (Navy won) to a "commercial from the sponsors" highlighting the fashion appeal of the new Army ACU. The pride in service was evident both on stage and in the audience during the Service medley when audience members were asked to stand and sing when their service songs were played. While the voices in the auditorium certainly sounded sweet while earlier singing along to the holiday medley, they positively boomed with pride while belting out their service songs.

When the majority of us live off on installations and find it very difficult to make it in to family readiness/support meetings or wives' club events, it's easy to feel disenfranchised and forget about the great parts of belonging to the military family at large. Leaving yesterday's concert, it would be difficult not to feel like you were part of something bigger. If you have the opportunity to attend a concert by one of the service bands, I highly encourage you to check it out. Each service has their own band website with a schedule of events and other information: Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard.

Rocky Mountain Blue

Remember the resources I shared with you a while back for military family travel? Well, I can report that one of those resources, Rocky Mountain Blue has proved to be quite the find for us. As I write this, our family is up in Keystone, Colorado enjoying the skiing, scenery and the luxury of sharing a holiday together as a family. I know I keep stressing the importance of getting away, but as I watch my husband and my son interact over the past few days, it is again reinforced - I am so grateful that we decided to remove ourselves from our daily routines and escape for a week away.

For the longest time, our Internet connection in the condo wasn’t working, and that proved to be a blessing in disguise. The days have been spent outdoors and in the evenings, we all work to put together dinner and then watch a movie or just hang out and talk. We’re staying at the base of the mountain, so the view of the ski slopes is enough to keep us engrossed these days. At the risk of waxing poetic, there are no words for the sheer beauty of it all. It becomes incredibly easy to let go of the normal stresses and the reality of the everyday grind. I realize that we are engaged in collective escapism, but it feels good to check out every once in a while and give yourself permission to play. The effects of the last year are started to fade, we’re learning to communicate again and you can see that my husband is once again finding his place back in the family fold. We have so much to be thankful for this year.

Happy belated Thanksgiving to you and yours. I hope that you are all together soon.

Asking for Help

I’ve said it before…all deployments are not created equal. Even though we were without my husband for a year, he was only gone to Pakistan, not in Iraq or Afghanistan. In many ways, this will make our reunion easier. We’ve gone through countless deployments and separations before, so other than the fact that this one was a little longer and there were some bombing incidents over the course of the year, we’re on track to getting back to normal. We’re dealing with the same old issues, same old gripes – we’re seasoned enough to recognize the cyles of reunion and will survive.

I’m sure many of you have been through a lot of deployments as well. But if they were during peace time and part of a natural rotation, then you may not have ever dealt with some of the issues of this deployment. No one really knows how a person will react to being in a heightened state of readiness for such a prolonged period. Add to that multiple extensions and combat situations and you have to expect that once the deployment is over, the reunion and acclimation to home life is going to be difficult. How can anyone expect that you would pluck our soldiers out of a war zone after 15 months, drop them in the laps of their families in Any Town, USA without any problems arising? In the best of circumstances, reunions after a deployment are fraught with opportunities for failure. In the worst of circumstances, it can be beyond what a normal family can bear without outside help. If things seem off, don’t hesitate to ask for help.

I don’t want to speak about the subject of recognizing stress or symptoms of PTSD in a cavalier manner, so I will just lay out some suggestions and resources for you.

The blogosphere is replete with offerings by military spouses discussing everything from careers to deployments and everything in between. If you’re worried about anonymity, blogs and websites are a great place to go to read about what other spouses in the same boat are going through. I recently made the acquaintance of an Army spouse whose husband is currently deployed to Iraq. She is a writer for the St. Petersburg Times and maintains a blog. In one installment, she introduced reunion issues and she has quite an interesting thread going.

DoD also puts out downloadable “Coming Home” guides for dealing with return and reunion. There are several versions available for: the servicemember, the spouse and parents/other family members or friends. They’re good tip sheets that point out what to expect and some suggestions for alleviating the stress of reunion. The Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences also puts out a Courage to Care series that is a good resource.

All these brochures and pamphlets are great, but in the end, you know your family best. If you recognize that what you and your returning service member are going through is not normal, seek help. There’s no shame in asking for assistance. Chaplains, counselors, any number of people are willing to extend a helping hand if they know you’re in need. Military OneSource is a good place to start as well. Even your civilian neighbors are looking for ways to support you. An organization in Washington DC called Give an Hour has developed a national network of licensed mental health professionals willing to donate time to counsel military members and their families. As you can see, there are any number of places you can go for help. Just go…

Hit the road

I think one of the best ways to reconnect is to plan a vacation. It doesn’t have to involve any huge expense, just a little trip or outing that will allow you to remove yourselves from the every day routine and have some frivolous fun.

We started planning our November family vacation early on in the deployment. It gave us all something to look forward to…a promise from everyone that we were committed to taking the time off and getting away together. We’re meeting some of our very good friends and their kids in Colorado for a ski vacation, so it gave our son additional things to look forward to. In an earlier blog, we reference all the vacation deals out there for military families. If you’re looking to plan a trip, that would be a great place to start.

As I mentioned before, a vacation doesn’t have to be a huge ordeal, this weekend, our family is headed on a road trip to West Virginia. My son is reading the book, "October Sky" in school and the kids joked about lobbying their English teacher to take them on a road trip to Coalwood, West Virginia for the October Sky Festival that celebrates the 50th anniversary of the day Sputnik flew over the town. They were joking, but it sounded just cheesey enough to be a fun outing. The leaves are starting to turn, so the drive should be beautiful. Plus, getting out of the city for a few days and driving along some mountain roads sounds kind of appealing. I may regret it, but if we have a horrible time, we’ll do it together and we’ll laugh about it at the end.

In case you missed it, I did say that this weekend our family is headed on a road trip…. Against all odds, my husband made it home Friday night, right on time. It was kind of surreal. There really wasn’t the great big homecoming of past. No going out to the flight line to meet the planes…he simply arrived on our doorstep with little fanfare, home after 15 months away. A few minutes to take it all in and then it was back in a car to go pick up our son from the homecoming game.

I will say though, that it is great having him home. When I first saw him, I felt such relief, not realizing I’d been holding my breath for the past year. I knew that he was leaving Pakistan very late Thursday night EST, so on Friday morning when I was getting my morning news fix, I remember listening to the stories on Pakistan with a mild intellectual curiosity as opposed to the heightened alarm from before.

What a difference a day makes! I was surprised that the last year literally melted away. I had not expected that. I realize that we’re still in the Honeymoon stage, but I have never slept better than I did this past weekend. My husband said that he woke up on Saturday morning and I was chuckling in my sleep. What a difference from the sleepless nights fraught with worry every time there was another bombing or incendiary news story. Without any notice, the nightmares stopped and I started sleeping through the night again. I don’t know how long the honeymoon period will last, but I’m hoping to get a few more weeks of sleep out of it.

Anticipate the Pitfalls

Service members come home eager to pick up where they left off without any consideration to the fact that the family dynamic has shifted while they were gone. It’s going to take some time for the dynamics to change back or evolve to bring the returning member back into the fold. Of course, this acceptance and re-integration back in to the family should be automatic, but the reality is, it isn’t. Time has passed, milestones have been missed and the whole family has to work to shuffle around and figure out where everybody fits in. This could take months to do and with today’s heightened ops tempo, you could be facing another deployment before the whole re-integration process has taken place.

Now that my husband is headed home soon, one of the things I’m struggling with is how to let go of the past 15 months of single parenting…working full time and being the only person responsible for the kid, the dog, the house and the cars. One lightning strike, one car accident, one police arrest of late night vandals on our property, 15 months of dealing with a hormonal high schooler, and a divorce in the family later, it didn’t come as a huge surprise to discover that I’ve built up a fair amount of resentment at having to juggle everything and keep all the balls in the air while he only had to be responsible for himself and his job. I realize how ridiculous that sounds…it’s not like he was on an island vacation. We recognize the importance of his job and what he's doing. I guess the bottom line is that I wouldn’t mind some reciprocity - an acknowledgement of the fact that as those left behind, my son and I did a good job of keeping it all together.

It’s not like we’re novices at deployments, but it never gets any easier. Perhaps it’s because we have been through so many deployments that we know and dread what awaits us in the post-deployment stage.

Outside of my own experiences, I’ve spoken to enough military spouses to realize that this phenomenon is more common than not. One of my friends reported to me that one of the women in her squadron facing the end of a deployment had already signed up for couple’s counseling. They have no marital problems; she’s just being pro-active in seeking help with getting reconnected.

I can fully appreciate where she’s coming from in trying to anticipate the problem areas. This resentment I’m harboring could be a real deal breaker in regards to reconnecting and regaining the intimacy as a couple. So, in dealing with our own post-deployment cycle, I go where I always go for advice – other military spouses.

I have to credit my friend Julie with knowing when to ask the right questions. When she asked if I was ready for my husband to come home, she did it quite deliberately to make sure I started thinking about everything that comes with the impending homecoming. She reminded me of one of the most important post-deployment tips: come to grips with the fact that things are going to change whether you like it or not. This shouldn’t fill you with an overwhelming sense of dread, because once you recognize that things are going to change, you can try to anticipate the potential pitfalls and start to work through them before the homecoming. Talk to people. You’re not in this alone. We’ve all been there before and no one is going to judge you.

For me, understanding the resentment helped me articulate my feelings to my husband. I’m sure he didn’t fully understand or appreciate the sentiment, but to his credit, he listened. Now he knows where I’m coming from and perhaps won’t jump into things at home without first taking into account the lay of the land. By the time he gets home, I will have had some time to work through the resentment…it’s not going to go away totally (who among us is that evolved??!?!), but I’ll understand where some of the emotion is coming from and cut him some slack because maybe it’s not all him…some of it will be me bringing some baggage into the mix. Hopefully, he’ll be considerate of my son and me as well and cut us some slack while we work toward getting reconnected as a family.

Cycles of Deployment and Reconnecting

Did you know that the experiences we are going through as spouses of deployed service members have been scientifically quantified? What’s being “discovered” is that the different emotions and cycles family members go through are not as unique as we would like to believe. While each family has their own special circumstance, there also exist many commonalities to deployments across the board.

Academics and policy experts have expended a fair amount of time and energy to let us know that the emotional cycle of an extended deployment is divided into several stages. Depending on what camp you fall into, there are either: 5 stages (pre-deployment, deployment, sustainment, re-deployment, and post-deployment) or 7 (anticipation of departure, detachment and withdrawal, emotional disorganization, recovery and stabilization, anticipation of a return, return adjustment and renegotiation and finally, reintegration and stabilization).

The two page fact sheet on the “New emotional cycles of deployment” is worth checking out. The one nugget I took away was the reminder that, “The emotions you experience during the cycles of deployment are a normal reaction to an abnormal situation unique to the military.”

From a family member’s point of view, what I find most interesting about all these studies is that if they were able to quantify and identify the different stages of a deployment, what we all go through is not so unique. And for many different reasons, that’s a good thing. Once the emotional roller coaster and familial disruptions become shared experiences and accepted norms, we all begin to understand that we truly aren’t in this alone.

One thing I don’t believe they stressed enough is that, we expend so much energy coping during the deployment stage, we sometimes forget that the emotional turmoil that a family goes through post-deployment is no less tumultuous than in the other four stages. The post-deployment cycle is loaded with opportunities for missteps.

Think about it – as the spouse left behind, you’ve spent x number of months or years becoming self-sufficient, handling everything on your own. The kids have gotten used to not having mom or dad there for the routine, the milestones. All of a sudden mom or dad is home; ready to pick up where they left off, not understanding that those relationships need to be rebuilt to a certain extent. The intimacy as a couple, the acceptance as a member of the family again may not be immediate. Everyone’s going to have to work a little harder to be inclusive. Maintaining open lines of communication and managing expectations on all sides is of the utmost importance.

Before you rush off to develop and graph a plan of action, understand that it’s not as clinical as it sounds. Strong military families are resilient, kids are accepting. Post-deployment reintegration is an area where with a little patience, everyone can be a winner.

Facing our own post-deployment cycle (soon, we hope), I’ve started looking around at how other people handle reconnecting. What I’ll do over the next several weeks is share with you other tips for reconnecting as a family. Here’s one to get you started:

One of my co-workers regularly spends a lot of quality time with her young nieces and nephews. To keep it manageable and ensure that they maximize the time they have together, she’s come up with an ingenious gift for them.

Every Christmas, she gives them a book of Aunt Julie coupons good for things such as: a sleepover, an evening out, bowling, etc….They’re able to cash them in whenever they want, but they expire at the end of the year, so there’s a fair amount of motivation on the children’s part to initiate that visit with Aunt Julie.

For the mom or dad coming back from deployment, this idea has great potential. With multiple children in the mix, it may be difficult to reconnect with each on an individual basis. The natural inclination would be to schedule some “mandatory fun” time for the entire family. It doesn’t take an expert on child psychology to understand how well that’s not going to go over!

I like the coupon idea because it puts things in the child’s court and lets them set the pace. The returning parent makes a sincere effort to reconnect and allows the child to drive the agenda from then on. The child decides when they want their one on one time with mom or dad and their importance is reinforced when mom or dad takes time out of their busy schedule to accommodate them.

The road to reconnecting is a long and rocky one. Why not give the kids the ability to navigate it on their own terms?

Are we ready?

This past weekend, I was having lunch with a friend when she asked if my son and I were ready for my husband to come home. A military spouse herself, she understands how nuanced the question is.

In some ways, we’re both incredibly excited. We miss him so much that we’re really looking forward to having him around the kitchen table again and hanging out as a family during the weekends. I think my son’s been keeping a mental checklist of all the things he’s got to update dad on: the summer, orientation, first day of high school, his date for homecoming….

It’ll be great to have someone there to share the parenting duties. Over the past year, I’ve engaged in some creative carpooling and driving details with friends, family and relative strangers to make sure my son didn’t miss out on anything. Now I won’t be the one always running home from work to grab my son and dash back out to some obligation. I’m not always going to have to be the one to burn up all my leave and comp days to make sure he gets to all the appointments as well as school and band obligations.

When I think of all the reasons why we’re glad my husband will be back soon, the companionship and the extra hand top the list of the things I’m looking forward to the most. However, as my friend understood as she asked the question, there is a (much shorter) list of all the reasons why the transition to having my husband back in the mix is going to be tough.

There’ll be some adjustments that will have to be made - the biggest ones being sharing the decision making and the loss of freedom. I’m not going to lie to you. Like every spouse out there who’s had to be both mom and dad, I’ve become quite independent and accustomed to the fact that when I make a decision, we just implement it. There’s no discussion, no talk of best practices, no negotiation. And there’s definitely no second guessing. That’s going to be hard to give up.

The loss of freedom is going to be a tough one as well. In our family, as in the majority of other military families, the service member’s career and his or her needs have always taken precedence. For the past year, I’ve been making decisions in a vacuum, not having to take anyone else into consideration (my son only gets a minority vote). While it hasn’t been easy discounting the other half of the parenting duo, I knew that once I made plans, we were going to follow through with them. Now we’re going to have to get back into the habit of making plans and understanding when they’re superseded by an unexpected TDY or other obligations. I was getting used to the predictability of our lives.

Don’t get me wrong. We’re thrilled my husband’s on his way home. His replacement arrives in country this week, so we’re even on track to getting him home on time, but as my friend so insightfully reminded me with her question, the end of a deployment is not all sunshine and roses. It brings with it a fair amount of adjustments on both sides and as with everything else throughout the deployment; managing expectations on both sides will go far in helping the transition.

They Can Have Their Cake and Eat It Too

Our magazine staff never ceases to amaze me. They are endlessly creative and manage to find the greatest resources and products out there. One of the things they recently highlighted was a company called Bake Me a Cake (http://www.bakemecake.com/) based out of New York City. The company has an Operation Birthday Cake program that allows you to purchase a cake that is beautifully wrapped, packaged and sent to your loved one overseas.

I remember my husband’s birthday this past winter. I searched everywhere for a chocolate cake that could weather the trip and couldn’t find anything that quite fit the billet. You may be writing me off as too lame to bake and package my own and there may be some truth in that, but I was a little worried that anything I could bake moist enough to be palatable would be moldy by the time it reached him. So my son and I sent over a chocolate Hostess cupcake and some candles…thoroughly pushing the limits on the adage, “It’s the thought that counts.”

I apologize for blogging so inconsistently this past month. I have to admit that with just a little more than a month left in the tour, superstition has set in on our end. It feels like keeping heads low at home might somehow contribute to keeping him safer over there. Stupid and incomprehensible, but there it is. So translated into actions, what does that mean? It means that when people ask about a follow on assignment, we don’t talk about it. We don’t make plans and we don’t get excited about the light at the end of the tunnel for fear of jinxing it. We especially don’t start counting down the days.

Combat Zone re-enlistments

CORRRECTION: In our most recent entry combat zone tax exemptions, we erroneously indicated that if a re-enlistment bonus received while in a combat zone is taken via installment payments, payments received after the servicemember is no longer in the combat zone are subject to taxes. Combat zone re-enlistments are income tax-free, regardless of whether the money is actually received while in a combat zone or not. This has already been corrected in the blog entry, but we wanted to highlight the correction here as well.

Not Knowing Your Rights Can Cost You Money

National Guard and Reserve members often aren’t aware of their rights under the Uniformed Services Employment and Reemployment Rights Act (USERRA), which spells out what benefits employers are required to maintain after they’re called to active duty.

The Uniformed Services Employment and Reemployment Rights Act (USERRA) provides significant employment protections for National Guard and Reserve servicemembers when they are called to active duty. It is common knowledge that USERRA essentially guarantees activated servicemembers the right to return to the same or equivalent job for call-up periods of up to five years, or longer for certain specialties. But what other key protections are covered by USERRA?

Seniority escalation, pension benefits, and healthcare coverage also are generally protected. This means a company cannot deny you a promotion, discontinue your pension plan coverage, or deny you reinstatement in your healthcare plan (including adding new restrictions on pre-existing conditions) due to your military service.

You also have the ability to fund "make up" 401(k) or similar retirement plan contributions for periods covered by deployment. You have up to three times the deployment period – not to exceed five years – to make back payments, and the employer is obligated to match any contributions under the normal rules for the retirement plan.

Example: Maj. Jack Barnes, USARNG, is called to active duty for a period of one year. He has been contributing 10 percent of his $75,000 annual salary ($7,500 a year) to his civilian employer's 401(k) plan. His employer provides a 4 percent matching contribution ($3,000 a year.) Major Barnes would have up to three years following the end of his deployment to contribute his $7,500 for the year he was deployed, and his employer would be required to deposit the $3,000 matching contribution.

Most employers are good about supporting deployed servicemembers, complying with both the spirit and the letter of the law. However, there have been cases of serious USERRA violations against servicemembers returning from deployment. Make sure you know your rights and use all of your legal protections to your best advantage.

Tax-Free Combat Pay

We recently held a Military Spouse Symposium in Virginia Beach. Over 120 spouses and others working in the field of military spouse and family issues were in attendance to network and hear about programs, services and legislation that exist to support them. MOAA's own Certified Financial Planner (CFP), Phil Dyer delivered a new presentation that was very well received - a military and financial benefits update. Everyone in attendance was writing feverishly as he spoke, making notes of things they either didn't know or had forgotten along the way. It made me wonder what we all may not know or remember about deployments...

As most of you know, military pay received while deployed in a combat zone or other qualifying hazardous duty area is tax-free. But what specific rules apply? Here’s a quick refresher course, which summarizes how you can take advantage of these savings opportunities.

All pay received (including base pay, special pays, and bonuses) is income tax-free up to the maximum enlisted pay rate of $6,381.90 per month, plus imminent danger pay. Combat zone re-enlistments are income tax-free, regardless of whether the money is actually received while in a combat zone or not.

Thrift Saving Plan (TSP) contributions made while in a combat zone are not taxed on withdrawal or distribution.

Due to the Heroes Earned Retirement Opportunities (HERO) Act of 2006, servicemembers who were deployed in a combat zone or other qualifying hazardous duty area have up until May 28, 2009, to make IRA contributions for tax years 2004 and 2005. If the servicemember qualifies for a deductible traditional IRA, this can result in a tax refund for contributions made. For those under 50, the IRA contribution limits are $3,000 for 2004 and $4,000 for 2005. For those over 50, the limits are $3,500 and $4,500, respectively. You will need to file Form 1040X, Amended Tax Return, to claim any benefit. For more information, visit www.irs.gov/newsroom/article/0,,id=161175,00.html.

A Year doesn't always mean 365 days

We're at the tail end of the year remote now, I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. Yet, as any military spouse can tell you, that return date means nothing until you see them in person getting off that airplane.

The e-mails started today, referencing an extension in country. It was comical how unsurprised I was. Perhaps it's because I see what our Guard and Reserve troops and their families are going through, maybe it's because we've been through too many deployments, perhaps 16 years has taught us better than to expect that a year should equal 365 days. Cynicism born out of experience, so to speak. Whatever it is, talk of extensions just means one thing....if they're already negotiating the return date, that means it must be near.

Earn 10 Percent on Your Money, Guaranteed!

We started this blog as a way of sharing information and resources. For the next couple of months, I'm going to work with subject matter experts from MOAA to bring you tidbits of information and nuggets gleaned from experience gained in the field. One of the things I'm beginning to learn is that there are so many programs out there that it's difficult to keep them straight and even more difficult to figure out which ones really are a good deal. So, in an effort to educate myself, I'm going to look into some of these programs and pass along what I find to you.

For instance, how much do you know about SDP?

Active duty servicemembers, reservists, and National Guard members who are serving in a combat zone, qualified hazardous duty zone, or are taking part in certain contingency operations may be qualified to participate in a Special Deposit Program. This program, which is sponsored by the DoD, guarantees 10 percent on funds deposited while a servicemember is deployed. That rate is three to 10 times higher than most banks and credit unions pay on deposit accounts and twice current one-year certificate of deposit yields.

Key program points include:
• qualifying service members can deposit up to $10,000 into the account during a single deployment via military pay allotment;
• allotments must be in $5 increments;
• deposited money earns a guaranteed 10 percent, compounded quarterly;
• the allotment can be stopped at any time;
• the money stays in the account until the deployment ends (although hardship withdrawal requests can be made); and
• if a servicemember already is deployed, an agent (spouse, parent, or other family member) with a special power of attorney can start the allotment.


This is an outstanding guaranteed investment opportunity and one that all deploying servicemembers should consider. To get more information, visit the Defense Finance and Accounting Service (DFAS) Web site or contact your unit financial specialist.

Playing Hookie

Admit it, it's easy to get self-absorbed. I refuse to believe that I'm the only person out there who gets so involved in day to day life that I forget to stop and smell the roses.

In my case, work is hectic (there should be an appropriate emoticon following that adjective to accurately convey how crazy it's been...but you get the idea). There is no talking around the dinner table anymore. My son and I have taken to subsisting off of leftovers quickly consumed between 8:30 and 9:30 at night. When food gets low, we order more take out so we have enough leftovers to tide us over for another week! Only running out of milk, juice or toilet paper is enough to get me to a grocery store these days. It's a technique that I believed was working well for us - until I realized that I have no idea what's going on in my son's life. Standard question every night, "What'd you do today?" followed by the standard answer, "Not much".

And that has been our existence for the past month or so. Forget about keeping our son connected with his dad halfway around the world, I'm in the same house and realize I'm not doing such a great job either.

So last night, we played hookie. Both of us. Left all electronics at home and hit the movies. On a school night, before homework, before band practice, instead of TKD. Didn't return e-mails, ignored all the phone calls, and messages and checked out for a couple of hours.

I'm not going to lie to you, it was hard getting up this morning - but it was well worth it for a couple of hours of feeling like a co-conspirator with my teenager instead of the usual dictator forcing him to do his chores and keep up with his schoolwork and obligations. We both needed it. I'm not delusional though, I know that it's already back to the same old routine, but at the end of the day, my son will still remember the day mom played hookie with him and sat through yet another painful Spiderman movie. Forget the big gestures. I'm looking for those little moments that will tide us over until his dad gets home.

Happy Military Spouse Appreciation Day

In 1984, then-President Ronald Reagan proclaimed the Friday before Mother’s Day to be designated as Military Spouse Appreciation Day. I hope you all know that your service member could not do his/her job without your support.

I was privileged and honored to attend the Military Spouse of the Year Awards held yesterday in Virginia Beach. Honored because too often, the contributions and sacrifices of military spouses often go unnoticed and unheralded. For one day, local businesses, media, military leadership and national sponsors such as MOAA joined together to participate in an event to highlight and celebrate the "Heroes at Home". The awards program was conceived by the Military Newspapers of Virginia and they say it has grown every year - yesterday's luncheon drew over 300 people.

It was amazing to part of an event to celebrate the contributions of all spouses. Regardless of whether or not you were a nominee or an attendee, every spouse understood that they were part of a very exclusive "sisterhood" with its own culture and lingo. (I put sisterhood in quotations because there were some male spouse nominees whose phenomenal contributions to their military communities remind us that the selflessness of military spouses knows no gender.)

The keynote speaker, Deb Kloeppel (President and Founder of MSCCN - www.msccn.org) kept us all in stitches when she outlined the differences between civilian and military spouses. I can't do her speech justice without the visuals, but suffice it to say, the bottom line was that when our servicemembers are out there doing their duty, they're not concerned with the pay parity, diminishing benefits or the increased ops tempo. They're thinking about you, their spouses and their families. The fact that you hold it all together while they're gone and do it with such style speaks to the amazing person you are...to the amazing people all spouses are.

I do remember one thing Deb said that really resonated - "For all the spouses who have fallen apart and then put themselves back together again to continue on..." She touched on the thing that I marvel at most. Military spouses are the most genuine group of people you ever hope to meet. We don't pretend to have it all together. We let the world see our flaws and our shortcomings. We do fall apart when that deployment is extended, or when that next deployment comes way too soon. But, I think what sets us apart is that we do put ourselves back together, better than before, steel ourselves and soldier on. Because we know what we do is important, it matters.

Military spouses make the mission possible and deserve far more than one day to recognize their contributions and sacrifices, but it's a good start.

Happy Military Spouse Appreciation Day. Thanks for all you do.

You've Got to be Kidding Me

We all have them…those you’ve got to be kidding me moments:

The guy who turns right….from the left hand lane;
The lady who’s driving 50 mph on the freeway because she’s talking on her cellphone and drinking coffee, and my favorite…
The lady who stops at the top of the ramp of the parking garage and parks there for a solid 2-3 minutes while she loads groceries, her friend and her dog, blocking the only exit so that no one can leave the garage. She’s oblivious to the line of cars behind her, or doesn’t care.

Why this litany of annoyances? Because on any given day, all these things will happen to me before I even get in to work in the morning. On a good day, they’re incredibly annoying. On a bad day, say 7 months into a deployment, they send my blood pressure clear through the roof!

It’s not a surprise to anyone who knows me that I recently went to the doctor and was told that my stress level was out of this world and I really needed to find ways to decompress. Some of this can be fixed with diet and exercise, but some isn’t that easy.

As the “single parent” left behind, we’re really good at putting ourselves last. I think it bears mentioning that we’re no good to anyone if we don’t take care of ourselves first. There are any number of websites out there dealing with stress relievers, check them out. Additionally, we should probably remember to take it easy on ourselves.

It’s okay to fall short of achieving “Superwoman” status while your other half is deployed. Forget “Mother of the Year”, I’m working toward maintaining my sanity and not yelling at my son or taking my dog to the pound, because incidentally, he managed to knock over the lamp post in our front yard this weekend, bending metal and sending glass shattering everywhere.

For whatever reason, we seem to have glamorized “keeping the homefires burning” and all that brings with it. I imagine people outside the military have visions of legions of spouses dutifully keeping it all together until that day of homecoming when the families line up in immaculate outfits waving American flags. The image may be true, but the reality behind the scenes is much messier. No deployment comes without costs. Understand that you’re not in this alone.

While we imagine that everyone out there is probably dealing with the deployment much better than we are, I would venture a guess that they’re not. It’s tough all around. Don’t make it tougher on yourself by trying to go it alone. Take it from the one who apparently has an insane amount of stress in her life: ask for help when you need it and take it easy on yourself.

Camp

Later on this afternoon, I’ll be dropping my son off for a week long camp. Through the People to People organization ( http://www.studentambassadors.org/ ) , he was invited to attend leadership sessions in Australia, New Zealand and Fiji or Washington DC. I don’t know of many 13 year olds who need to go to Fiji for three weeks, so we opted for the DC alternative.

Understandably, he feels a bit ripped off…one of our friends who we’ve known since being stationed together in Okinawa will be sending their daughter on the Down Under excursion. While she gets to learn about new cultures and travel to exotic locations, my son will be traveling to a hotel 5 miles away from home that will serve as the jumping off point for multiple excursions into Washington DC. In the interest of full disclosure, I should also tell you that his grandparents used to live across the street from the hotel where he’ll be staying, so he’s very familiar with the area!

He will never admit it, but I think it’s the best of both worlds for him: he gets to experience a bit of freedom, but also gets to do it in the comfort of his hometown. You’ve got to love teenagers – they’re in such a hurry to grow up, but are loathed to admit that the firsts sometimes bring a fair amount of angst.

When our son was younger, my husband was constantly deployed, so he missed a lot of firsts. I guess it doesn’t matter how old the kids get, the husbands keep deploying and they keep missing firsts. This time it’s the first sleep away camp and all the concerns that brings with it…co-eds, spending money, sharing a hotel room, appropriate attire…the list is endless, but let’s use attire as example.

Admittedly, our son has worn ties before, but I guess when dad’s around, it’s just as easy to put yourself on autopilot and not pay attention to the intricacies of the single Windsor vs. the double Windsor and the importance of not looking like an adjunct member of Barnum and Bailey’s Circus by tying your tie several inches above the belt buckle. I consider myself a fairly capable person, but this was all well above my pay grade and required calling in reinforcements!

I know I’ve said it before, but thank goodness for friends. One of our very close friends proved to be an absolute champ in handling the situation. He managed to deftly teach our son how to tie his ties and make my husband part of the experience by bringing in examples of how they all used to pre-tie their ties at the Academy to save time and eek out some more sleep in the mornings. He probably took it a step too far when he admitted that he had one tie that he kept tied until his junior year when he untied it just out of curiosity to see what may have gotten caught in there in three years…yuck, but all in all a good experience. I don’t even think my son minded it so much when we both nonchalantly schooled him on correct etiquette in dealing with co-ed sleep away camps in hotels. Another first that I’m sure my husband was more than happy to miss (not that he didn’t try to armchair quarterback from Pakistan). I’m just happy I could squeeze a two-for-one deal out of our friend….help with appropriate attire and co-eds!

Now that we have all the prep work behind us, all that’s left is surviving the next week!

Murphy's Law

Murphy’s Law of deployments states that what can go wrong will go wrong as soon as they board that ship, plane, _____ [fill in the blank with the appropriate word], and shove off. Well, after over a decade of deployments, it was bound to happen that Murphy’s Law would one day be on my side! That day came a couple of weeks ago and the events that transpired still make me chuckle when I think of them.

My husband came back to the states for another round of meetings in Dallas and DC and was able to tag on 3 days of leave to spend some time at home. Normally, all the little annoyances that happen when he’s gone will disappear: things will run like clockwork, the floorboards stop squeaking, the electricity is always on and all the cars run as if we had just driven them off the lot. Not just a little irritating that nothing ever goes wrong when our spouses are home “visiting”.

Little did I know that Murphy’s Law was just about to catch up with my poor husband. Have you ever heard that saying, “sometimes you’re the bug, sometimes you’re the windshield”? That pretty much sums up his time at home (and he was most certainly not the windshield).

I think it started with the first night he was home when the electricity went out and the majority of our flashlights were nowhere to be found. Those we could lay our hands were useless because the batteries were dead. I settled on the sofa in the family room in front of the fireplace while my husband, my son and the dog engaged in a mad search throughout the house. At least half an hour to forty five minutes later, they were victorious, having found our industrial flashlight with batteries intact! However, their victory was short-lived as the lights came back on 5 minutes later!

The next day, I was still in bed enjoying my lazy morning with the newspaper when I hear our son screaming, “Daddy, HELP!” It was nice not to have to rush down to see what was wrong. My husband ran down the stairs and some very dramatic whispering (sotto voce) ensued. “We need more towels…we need more towels!!!” “Ohmigosh, it’s getting out…yuck..make it stop!” Is it wrong to admit to you that I buried my head in the pillow so that they wouldn’t hear me laugh?!!? I don’t know about you, but every time the toilet has overflowed in our house, my husband’s always been gone, so this to me was poetic justice. I offered a weak, “Can I do anything to help?” just to get back, “No, no, no, just enjoy your paper, we’re fine. Get more towels, get more towels.” Mind you, all punctuated by the excited barks of our dog who I’m sure wanted in on the action.

That evening, my husband jumped on our treadmill and turned it on. All the lights came on, but the belt refused to work. Of course, it was broken. Usually this kind of impeccable timing is reserved for those of us left behind, so again, as uncharitable as it may seem, I have to admit that I was laughing inside! The travesty of errors and events seemed to go on and on. I think at the end, my husband was relieved to get on that plane and head back to Pakistan!

America Supports You

Between Bob Woodruff’s compelling coverage of our severely injured service members suffering from Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) (http://www.abcnews.com/) , and the recent uproar regarding Walter Reed, support for the troops has been brought to the forefront of everyone’s minds this week.

However, when the din begins to die down and support for the troops begins to wane, what happens to the troops and the families whose needs haven’t gone away?

This is one story that actually has a happy ending. Did you know that DoD has established an umbrella organization called, America Supports You that coordinates corporate and private support of U.S. troops and their families? Check out their website: http://www.americasupportsyou.mil/ .

I will warn you that I can’t read the posts of support on their website without choking up.

America Supports You is the brainchild of Deputy Assistant Secretary of Defense, Allison Barber. We were privileged to have her visit us yesterday at MOAA. After spending just a little over an hour with her and members of her team, you could tell that her passion and calling to support the troops and their families is what fuels her vision. It’s a simple concept – connect a grateful nation with our men and women in uniform and their families – but powerful in its message and execution.

Check out the website. I think you’ll be surprised at how proud and appreciative your neighbors are of your service and sacrifice.

Dirty Little Secrets

A few months ago, I was checking out http://www.spousebuzz.com/ and read with much interest a post regarding “dirty little secrets” we all have and tricks we utilize to weather deployments.

It was very comforting to learn that to a certain extent; we all seek to survive separations in our own little dysfunctional ways. Some dirty little secrets I’ll admit to:

We do laundry only when we run out of clothes or dishtowels.
We eat out….a lot.
I will pay for just about any service I can pawn off on someone else.
My husband set up automatic bill pay before he left, so I only open mail once every month or so. (Great, unless you receive time sensitive mail and inadvertently neglect to open it until it’s almost too late!)
I’ve only sent out 40 of our 120 Christmas cards that need to go out, the others will go under the umbrella of St. Patrick’s Day greetings. Some have already gone as Valentine’s Day cards!

The dirtiest little secret I have is that my husband is a pilot and I hate to fly; more than just a few of our friends have pointed out the irony in that. When I say I hate to fly, I don’t mean in the generic “hate” way, I mean, I have honest to goodness anxiety attacks and cannot understand why someone would willingly jump on an airplane.

My husband has known he has wanted to fly since he was 3 years old, and he is happiest when doing the thing he loves most in the world. When the nightly news constantly reports on the helicopters that are possibly being shot down, I have nightmares about him flying around Pakistan and other parts unknown and sometimes get so worked up that I make myself physically ill. I cope the only way I know how: by compartmentalizing and talking to other spouses who understand.

I know that our husbands do what they do because they love it and they love their country, but I wonder if they ever suspect how much we may hate what they do (in our weakest moments), but support them because we understand it’s part and parcel of the total package.

Vacations

Five months into the assignment and eight months into the separation and our thoughts are starting to turn to the reunion – the light at the end of the tunnel.

Planning the vacation gives us all something to look forward to – something to keep our minds off of the next seven months. As we start to plan, I’m finding alot of resources out there. This is how mainstream we are - the Washington Post ran an article a couple weeks ago about military specific travel resources. Some of these I had never even heard of so I thought I’d share them with you. The information was provided by a spokesman for the Army, so they are not all inclusive, but it’s a start….

Armed Forces Vacation Club
www.afvclub.com

Government and Armed Forces Travel Cooperative
www.govarm.com

U.S. Army Family and MWR Command
www.armymwr.com
Includes information on: Shades of Green (FL), the Hale Koa (HI), Dragon Hill Lodge (KR), and the Edelweiss Lodge (GE).

U.S. Central Command Rest and Recuperation Leave Program
www.armyg1.army.mil/WellBeing/RRLeave/index.htm

U.S. General Services Administration, Office of Citizen Services and Communications
www.usa.gov/Federal_Employees/Travel.shtml

Local installation MRW facilities are also a great place to start. For instance, the MWR facility at the Air Force Academy runs specials at the Keystone Resort:

http://www.rockymountainblue.com/

I think we’re leaning towards a skiing vacation at the end of the tour. Thanksgiving in the Rockies…what could be better? Wherever you all end up, enjoy the time together.

Mobile Art

I thought I'd share these photos with you that my husband sent along. He says that the taxis that scream through town look like moving pieces of art. He's amazed by the ornateness of these vehicles. I remember seeing these in Thailand where we called them Tuk Tuks and in Haiti where we called them Tap Taps. I wonder if this is the Pakistani version of Tagging!

Insane! I will never ever again complain about the congestion on the metro!

A Little Stress

Unless you’re a news junkie, you may have missed the minor blip on the wires today reporting that there was a bombing in Islamabad this morning that killed one and injured several others.

Everyone is fine and accounted for, but wow, what a reminder that what they’re doing on the other side of the world and its inherent danger is far removed from our day to day lives and what we view as normal.

After our bit of excitement and going through the necessary protocols of giving both sides of the family the heads up to keep them from being blindsided by the morning news, my mind keeps going back to the families of our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. I know how I felt - my heart dropped and the world seemed to spin a little; and this was just one isolated incident in our lives. I can’t even imagine how other families deal with the daily deluge of pictures and coverage that inundate them constantly. What level of stress must they be living with? There’s not enough that the rest of us can do to support them and express our gratitude for the sacrifices they make on a daily basis.

Childcare

I was having lunch with one of my girlfriends last week and she was lamenting about her childcare costs. Apparently, she and her husband pay over $2000 a month for the care of their two sons. She is an active duty officer stationed in the DC metro area and has the added disadvantage of not having being assigned to one of the area installations with childcare centers, so she’s not able to be listed in a high priority category at any one installation. I had never realized that childcare in this area was such a challenge. If a field grade officer and her family are having such difficulties, what do our younger families (both officer and enlisted) do?

I think most frustrating for my friend is that she’s finding out about childcare options and programs available to her through an informal network of other moms rather than through official channels. One of her co-workers happened to mention a NACCRA program that subsidizes childcare for a portion of our military families; most markedly, those whose service members are deployed. It seems like a good program. I haven’t spoken to anyone who has actually used it, but I thought I’d throw it out there for you in case it might be of use to you or anyone you know.

http://www.naccrra.org/MilitaryPrograms/index.php

Tightly wound

So, it occurs to me that with my husband gone, I might be wound a bit tight.

Last night, my son took our dog out for a walk. Nothing extraordinary…he does it every night. Except that on this night, I didn’t make it home in time for him to walk the dog while it was still light out – a fact whose relevance will be revealed shortly.

Coming home late, I was far behind the power curve, so I set to making dinner and returning phone calls. It wasn’t until I went to call him for dinner that I realized my son had never come back from his walk! I ran outside and looked around the immediate area. It was pitch black outside and there was no sign of either of them. I called out up and down the street (not my finest moment) to no avail. The dumbest thoughts started flying through my mind.

Ohmigosh, I don’t even remember what he was wearing….what kind of mother doesn’t remember what their child is wearing??!!?!

What time did he leave? Surely the police will want to know that….why didn’t I know the exact time to the second when he left the house?!?!

What’s his normal dog walking routine? Where does he go? Why didn’t I know this stuff???!!?

After finally resigning myself to the fact that I was probably the world’s worst mother (this took maybe 10 seconds), reason took over and I decided that while I should definitely call the police, perhaps I should first make an effort to find him.

Driving up and down the streets, I was very relieved and not just a little angry to find him nonchalantly chatting up one of his friends. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that I saw his life pass before his eyes when he realized that if I was driving around looking for him, this couldn’t be good!

Back at home, I was so angry I couldn’t even muster up enough energy to rant and rave. I’m not sure it ever occurred to me how much I count on order while my husband is gone. I do know that we schedule a lot more to fill the time, but I had not realized how much a little incident or lapse in the normalcy of our lives could send me into such a tailspin. I schedule so much and try to control so much that I forget that I’m dealing with one of the most unpredictable elements out there….a teenager.

Granted, he needs to be a more responsible and sensitive to others around him, but I probably shoulder some of the blame too. Now that I’ve got the scheduling down, I probably need to work on forgiveness, flexibility and fun...

Merry Christmas

My friend, Babette Maxwell who is one of the co-founders of Military Spouse Magazine (http://www.milspousemag.com/) tells us that though they have no rank, military spouses proudly carry invisible chevrons and stripes marking a significant milestone or event in their lives. I think she’d be the first to congratulate us all on making it through another Christmas with a deployed husband.

I have to say that my son and I did better than survive…we actually enjoyed ourselves. Keeping things as normal as possible helped considerably. We sent my husband’s gifts to him early on in the month to ensure they arrived on time. We also sent along another birthday package (his happens to fall on Dec 27th) complete with birthday candle and goofy paper goods so that he would have something else to open and a candle to blow out.

My family and our neighbor joined us for our traditional Christmas Eve dinner followed by a reading of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas. My husband reads it every year before we each get to open a single gift. Apparently this was very important to our son because he sent his dad the words to the poem and arranged a time for us all to gather to hear the reading.

After the reading (thank goodness for speaker phone), we each took turns opening the gifts that my husband had sent from Pakistan. They were all hits and it was great way to keep my husband involved in the evening. Just enough time to ooh and aah before heading off to church.

After midnight mass, we came home and went straight to bed. We kept so busy that the time just flew by and before we knew it, Christmas Eve was behind us.

Christmas Day, the excitement of new gifts and reporting everything back to dad kept everyone pretty upbeat. By the time things had subsided, it was time to gather our things and head over to our friends for Christmas supper and more presents. At this point, I begin to realize that our friends and family were doing a great job of keeping us busy!

As we returned home at 11 pm, we realized that Christmas had come and almost gone…one more milestone behind us, one more day closer to the next Christmas all together.

When Parents Deploy

I know I’ve already told you about Talk, Listen, Connect: Helping Families During Military Deployment, the program that teaches you how to broach the subject of deployments with the preschool set. Apparently, it has become such an invaluable resource in helping parents prepare their children for the upcoming deployment and has generated such an overwhelming response that it spurred the creation of another television special titled: When Parents are Deployed .

"When a soldier is deployed, the whole family is deployed," says actor Cuba Gooding Jr.

Only other military families can fully appreciate what a family goes through when a parent is deployed. The spouse left behind takes on the duties of mom and dad while still bearing the stress of having a loved one deployed. The children are expected to go on as if nothing has changed even though one of their parents is gone. Time becomes marked by missed holidays and birthdays as you count down the days during the deployment. When you consider each missed Thanksgiving, anniversary, and family birthday, 365 days takes on a new significance.

The new show addresses the three stages of a deployment: preparation, staying connected, and the homecoming. Through the anecdotes of several military families, we learn coping tools they use to weather the separations. For seasoned military families who have been there, done that, this is still a great program showcasing the courage and strength of our families holding down the home front. For everyone else, it will be an education in the sacrifices our servicemembers' families make on a daily basis. It’s definitely worth watching.

The half-hour television special, When Parents are Deployed, will be hosted by Academy Award ® winning actor Cuba Gooding Jr., premiering Wednesday, Dec. 27 at 9 p.m. Eastern Time on PBS (check local listings by going to http://www.pbs.org/).

How could this happen?

My girlfriend from the Ft. Bragg area sent me a news clipping a few days ago that stopped me in my tracks because it could so easily be any one of us or someone we know. The comment that came through with the e-mail was a simple sentence, “Yes, the spouses need help...this is so very sad”.

http://www.fayobserver.com/article?id=248246


We live such fast paced, tightly scheduled lifestyles. Sometimes I wonder if in our quest to: do more, achieve more and have it all, we forget to stop to appreciate the small moments and make the little gestures.

How could this military spouse feel such desperation and isolation that she would take her life and the lives of her two children? How could no one recognize her cry for help? I have no answers, just this overwhelming feeling that I need to do better, we all need to do better to be kind to each other and extend a helping hand to a neighbor who may be in need. None of us have any way of knowing how much those small gestures mean to those whose lives we touch.

Happy Thanksgiving

I was talking to a friend at work today and we were reminiscing about all the strange Thanksgivings we’ve had overseas. I remember when we were in Germany; our landlords had never seen an entire turkey roasted before. Looking through our scrapbooks, they noticed our holiday pictures and were curious about the whole notion of Thanksgiving.

It seemed only right to invite them to join us at our table and share our traditions with them.

Anyone who’s been stationed overseas will appreciate the special care that has to be taken in preparing a basic holiday meal in a foreign country. The commissary ensures that we have all the necessities: pumpkin pie fixings, all the components for chestnut stuffing, a monstrously large turkey and all the accoutrements that go along with it. However, as we quickly learned, just because you have a turkey and an oven, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be roasting that turkey in that oven!

It was with much surprise that we learned that many of our American cooking tools were incompatible with our German appliances, most markedly…our roasting pan meant to snugly accommodate a large Thanksgiving turkey or Christmas rib roast. The oven was having nothing to do with it! We had to go out and buy a much smaller disposable pan that would fit in the oven; that required downsizing our turkey - really, at this point, it was more of a very large chicken. Not quite the impact we were hoping for (I was really quite excited about seeing our German friends’ expressions when we carted that 20 lb turkey to the table!!!), but you adjust.

The rest of the meal stayed the same: cranberry sauce (jellied, sliced and with ridges, thank you very much), chestnut stuffing (a throwback to my childhood), Stove Top (because our son still likes it best), homemade giblet gravy, mashed potatoes, peas, freshly baked rolls, pumpkin and pecan pies with lots of freshly whipped cream. As we began to bring the food to the table, our friends became somewhat overwhelmed. Their eyes got larger and larger until they really were the size of saucers!

Once they got over the largesse, we sat down and took turns telling everyone what we were thankful for. Not until then did they understand the significance of Thanksgiving for us. They began to realize it had nothing to do with: the fancy linens, china, crystal or the massive amounts of food and everything to do with: friends, family and blessings.

I have always appreciated Thanksgiving the most of all the holidays because it crosses over cultural and religious lines; this is a day when all Americans take a pause from their daily lives, gather around friends and family and give thanks for all the blessings in their lives.

As we do every year, we will end our thanks with a remembrance for the troops overseas. While they are always on our minds and in our hearts, it is especially around the holidays that we pray for the safety of our troops, their families and for a safe and speedy return.

Surprise

Surprise, surprise….my husband just blew through town on his way to a meeting in New York. I say surprise because we had very little notice and really no inkling of what was to come.

A few days ago, I received an itinerary via e-mail placing my husband in Virginia two days later. No accompanying note or phone call to let us know what was going on, just an itinerary that let us know that he’d be in town for about 36 hours.

I struggled with the decision of whether or not to tell our son. We’ve had deployments and TDYs unexpectedly extended due to broken airplanes and the needs of the Air Force, so we had learned the hard way that neither an itinerary or ticket in hand guaranteed a homecoming. I decided to go ahead and tell our son that his dad may possibly be coming home, more so that he could get used to the fact that dad was only going to be home for a day and half.

Happily, all the stars lined up just right and my husband made it home just in time to pick up our son from a football game. I love how excited they were to see each other. In just those first few minutes, my son forgot he was a surly teenager and was just genuinely thrilled and happy to see his dad. He talked a mile a minute filling us in on how great it was to be able to play in the band at an actual high school game, how cool it was to hang out with his friends and how he couldn’t wait to come to high school; just another kid with run of the mill concerns and expectations. It was all so blissfully normal.

We spent the next day and a half cramming in as much as we could. Of course there were times that we got on each other’s nerves; too much to do in too little time, but at the end of the day, it was still a great visit.

Staying in Touch

A lot of our earlier comments from readers touched on the fact that the technology available to us nowadays is amazing. The ability to stay in touch via the Internet is mind-boggling and has truly changed the dynamics of communicating during a deployment or remote nowadays.

In the early days (when the core of the earth was cooling) and the Air Force was still deploying to tent cities in the desert, we used to count on those infrequent calls and e-mails whenever our spouses could spare the time to stand in line and wait for one of the computers or phones to send that e-mail or place that call back home. As we were always conscientious of people still in line, the calls only lasted a few minutes and we quickly learned ways to condense a week’s worth of events into short sentences. Not terribly conducive to familial harmony and staying in touch, but it was all we had. We lived for those few minutes and heaven forbid you miss that phone call because you were in the bathroom or running errands. Back then, my cell phone was the size of a phone book (come on, you know what I’m talking about…the book phone), so it wasn’t always convenient to lug it around. Barring the flexibility of a portable cell phone, we were all pretty much tied to the house waiting for that phone call. There’s a healthy way to live for months on end….scared to leave the house because you might miss the phone call from the desert and what if it was the last phone call?!?

I’m sure there are still people in that situation because their service members may be remotely deployed and unable to get to a phone on a regular basis, but for those who are remote, stationed overseas or deployed with the luxury of access to a phone line or DSL, the world just opens up.

One of my husband’s co-workers introduced us to the world of Skype (http://www.skype.com/). This service is totally amazing; it allows us to make free internet phone calls between the US and Pakistan. For awhile, the VFW, Skype and Radio Shack were running a program to give out free starter kits to military families. My girlfriend whose husband was deployed to Iraq had just received the kit from her FRG when her husband was coming home and mine was heading out of the country, so she graciously passed it along to me. It has totally changed the way we keep in touch.

Skyping is easy. We generally e-mail and establish a time to Skype. We then make sure to be in place at the appointed time. My husband’s computer has a built in camera, so it’s always great to be able to see him as we’re speaking to him. My son and I also went out and purchased a small camera to mount on top of our computer, but we’ve found that when both sides have their cameras on, it diminishes the quality of our phone call, so we’ve gone to having it on for a short period on either end and then turning them off and finishing the phone call in a more traditional manner. Exactly like using a landline, only it’s free!

A word of caution though, you are using an Internet connection, so it’s not a secure line. Be cautious of what you talk about and only share things you wouldn’t mind having overheard by millions of your nearest and dearest. Other than that, Skype’s been a great way for us to keep in touch.

Care packages

With Halloween just around the corner, we thought it would be fun to put together a care package to send my husband and his co-workers.

It’s in situations like these when we separate the inexperienced with the more seasoned. The inexperienced would hear Halloween care package and visions of favorite candies and cookies would indiscriminately start dancing in their head. Those of us who have done it more than a few times and lost many care package contents to blazing desert heat and service that delivers mail anytime between a week to a month, remember that some things just weather that trip to the Middle East a little better than others.

Once when my husband was TDY, someone’s mom sent over a chocolate birthday cake. I remember everyone remarking on the cake arriving in pristine condition, wrapped and padded within an inch of its life. Now, my hat’s off to that mom, but I am neither that talented nor motivated. However, after years of experimenting with different recipes and combinations, I have learned a few tricks.

(1) In terms of cookie recipes it’s hard to beat the Neiman Marcus one that yields at least 10 dozen cookies every time you make it. However, this is not an undertaking for the fainthearted as you’ll be required to pulverize a pound of oatmeal, chop pounds of nuts and mix in bags of 2 different kinds of chocolate - it’s an exercise that promises to strengthen your upper body. It’s hard to complain though, as it’s probably these extra steps and ingredients that make these cookies so sturdy. Packed correctly, these things will make it to their final destination, weeks later, still fully intact and surprisingly, very tasty.

(2) We also pack the cookies in disposable containers with secure lids so the guys can reuse them to keep bugs and sand out of their things (quart and gallon size storage bags also work nicely). My husband’s not living in a tent this time around, but he still asks for the containers.

(3) Chocolate is a definite no-no until the weather over there cools off a bit, so it was with much regret that my son and I bypassed the rows of Snickers (a particular favorite) and went for the hard candies, sours and gum. For a treat, we packed a Halloween Pez dispenser in each of the 10 care packages we put together for each of the guys my husband works with.

(4) We always try to pack something that will give them a taste of home. At the bottom of this particular care package, we put a ginormous (plastic) jar of Peanut butter and an equally large container of Marshmallow fluff. Amazing the things people get cravings for when they’re away from home; in my husband’s case it happens to be fluffer-nutter sandwiches.

Apparently, the extra planning came in handy. As luck would have it, the box didn’t make it there before Ramadan, so it spent some extra days somewhere in a hot warehouse before making it to the guys. See, sometimes neurosis pays off!

The care packages were much appreciated; we received thanks from a bunch of the guys. Other than the cookies, the most popular item– the Pez dispensers. Who would’ve guessed?!?

Happy Anniversary

My husband woke me up this morning at 0 dark 30. Normally, I would be annoyed, but today is our 14th anniversary, so I couldn’t think of a better alarm clock. We chatted about our week so far and what was going on at home and over there. Little nonsensical items of interest, but significant in that he remembered to call and I was there to answer the phone.

I think it’s the milestones that make deployments difficult. I don’t know what kind of significance those points in time have to the deployed servicemembers, but to the ones left behind, the effort made to reach out on those important days is so appreciated.

On my to-do list is to sign up for Connect and Join (www.connectandjoin.com). They have this secure site that allows families to stay in touch with deployed servicemembers through the use of calendars and journals that each side fills out. I’m starting to see the wisdom in letting my husband know that last week our son had his first band concert, multiple tae kwon do classes, projects due etc…while I worked extra long hours and on the weekend and had to farm our son out to friends. I know he doesn’t understand why we’re not always home when he calls at those odd times, or why I seem so exhausted and short when we finally get in touch, but maybe knowing our insane calendar will help fill in the blanks. For us, it’s exciting to hear about what he’s doing and the people he’s meeting. I guess I forget that for him, it’s equally exciting to get that news from home. It seems so mundane to us back here, but I’m beginning to learn that it’s that normalcy of our home life that he wants to know about.

Our kids

So my one person pity party lasted only as long as it took me to look over to the passenger seat and see my son’s face as he waved good-bye to his dad. I had forgotten that the past three years had been pretty idyllic for us. Used to being in operational squadrons, I know my husband was probably slowly strangling himself at his desk everyday, but for us, his staff tour was one of the best things to happen to our family life. His job didn’t require any no notice TDYs, so we could actually make plans and be reasonably confident that he’d be around. We were getting used to having dad show up to some of the baseball games and band concerts….he was even able to volunteer as a coach on occasion. Frankly, we’ve been spoiled over the last three years and had grown somewhat complacent.

Personally, I think I’m entitled to at least an entire day of feeling sorry for myself, preferably at a spa being ridiculously pampered….but one look at that face struggling to hold it all together and be strong and you realize that someone’s got to be the parent and it probably shouldn’t be the one who’s still not old enough to drive, yet is trying to be stoic so he can be there for mom.

Having children is such a great gift, they really make us better people. When you look at our military kids and see how resilient and well-adjusted they are despite what we put them through with the constant moves and frequent deployments, what person wouldn’t want to rise to the challenge of being a parent worthy of those kids?

In our home, we tend to handle most situations with a lot of humor. My husband and I married young and had our son within a year, so we are probably a little more irreverent and less prepared than some parents with more years and experience behind them. We’ve always had more of the “baptism by fire” mentality. Here’s the situation, it stinks, but it is what it is, so let’s deal with it. Hopefully we haven’t scarred our son for life!!! Nowadays, the resources available for military parents facing a deployment are amazing. You almost have to work hard to be ill-prepared.

As an example, for parents with toddlers, the Sesame Street Workshop in collaboration with other partners has developed a free video kit called, Talk, Listen, Connect to help explain deployments. The kits are absolutely fabulous and include: a DVD, parent/caregiver magazine and a children’s activity poster. Information about the kit and the actual video are available for download at: http://www.sesameworkshop.org/tlc/. There’s a parent version and a kid/parent version. If you or anyone you know is facing a deployment and has toddlers, this is a great resource.

I guess we sometimes forget all the different ways that our kids feel the void left by a deployed parent. It’s difficult to feel sorry for yourself for too long when you take into account what our kids must be going through. If you all know of some other great resources, we’d love to hear about them….

The Airport

The anonymity of dropping my husband off at a civilian airport and watching him fade into the crowd, another nameless traveler in a sea of businessmen and tourists crossing the Atlantic, was quite discomfiting.

I know that to some people, seeing that row of gray tanker airplanes lined up on a tarmac must seem impersonal, cold and warlike. To military families, particularly those assigned to a flying squadron, they’re anything but. Seeing that line of planes and the men and women in flight suits confidently striding towards them is a comfort. These are the people you celebrate with every time there’s a promotion, a wedding, or a baby. The same people you trust to watch your kids over a weekend getaway. The couples with whom you’ve shared innumerable Air Force balls, dining outs, First Fridays and game nights. It’s a small Air Force (getting smaller) and an even smaller flying community. You run into the same families over and over again. We may move every two or three years, but it’s true that you never really say good bye, just see you again soon, I hope. So, when a squadron deploys, there’s great comfort in knowing that they’re all together. With three to four people on a crew, there’s always someone to do things with. Someone’s always got your back and the same holds true for those left behind.

Dropping my husband off at Dulles and waving good-bye as he headed towards his United flight was a weird feeling. Since he’s on his own, there’s no other spouse to call at 6 pm on a Friday night to invite over for dinner and a sleepover with the kids knowing that she’ll be relieved and thrilled you called because there’s no husband or daddy coming home for awhile and she was just trying to figure out what to do with two screaming toddlers.

I start to understand what guard and reserve families must go through during a deployment. One of the greatest luxuries an active duty family has is being able to look around the flight line at all the other squadron moms and kids and mentally starting to plan months’ worth of outings and dinners with the most devoted category of friends…those bereft and more than a little desperate for any help passing the time until those planes start heading home. They say that misery loves company…no one knows that better than a military spouse whose best friendships were forged over multiple deployments.

The car

My husband has this ongoing love affair with his car. When he was a cadet, he paid cash for a 1978 Datsun 280z vowing to drive it into the ground.

That car continues to be the bane of my existence. It has come with us on every stateside move. When we drove from Eglin AFB, Florida to Enid, Oklahoma, we caravanned with our next door neighbors who were also headed there for initial qual. I looked at that car, skeptical it would make the drive and begged my husband to either shoot it and put us out of our misery, or get a hitch for it. He was confident it would make the drive.

That car made it through the Florida panhandle with no problems. When we crossed the border into Alabama, we stopped at a rest area. We were all feeling pretty good about ourselves; our son was behaving, our neighbors’ pets were happy, the cars were all doing fine…or so we thought.

When it was time to hit the road again, the car wouldn’t start. It had the temerity to break down in the rest area in the path of oncoming traffic! After we pushed it back into a parking spot, it took much coaxing, filling of fluids and time to get that car to start again. Over the next couple of days, we found out that the secret was to keep it running whenever we stopped (somewhere in the world there are members of Greenpeace cringing).

I only provide you with this background information so that you’ll understand my resentment when I tell you that we spent precious hours of our last day together before he left, cleaning out our garage so that we could park the precious baby inside. The Air Force had originally told us that they would store the car in Baltimore for the year. After driving the car down there (with bated breath and crossed fingers that it would make it), my husband was told that there was an administrative error and the Air Force would actually be willing to ship the car over to Pakistan, therefore would not be storing it. Come on…it wouldn’t even make it across state lines without groaning, you really expect him to drive it across Pakistan?!!? But, as the saying goes, flexibility is the key to air power, so there we have it, hours before it was time to head off to the airport, we found ourselves lugging dozens of moving boxes from the garage into our dining room to make room for the “vintage car”.

Just goes to show you that no matter how well you plan, something always comes up; the power of Murphy’s Law!

Too much information

Sometimes I think a little information is just plain dangerous. Working at MOAA, I have the benefit of so much staff expertise on military benefits and the necessity of pre-planning, that I had worked myself up into quite a tizzy.

The day my husband left, we sent our son off to school in the morning and spent the day tying up loose ends. If you’ve been through a deployment before, I’m sure you realize what I’m really saying is that we ran around like chickens with our heads cut off trying to finish up all the things we should have been doing all along! So what if we already had a general power of attorney? We ran around for hours chasing someone down who would issue a specific financial power of attorney. I had convinced myself that scary men would come around to repossess the house because I didn’t have just the right documents, or that the government would deny me access to his LES because I couldn’t prove to them that really, he’d want me to know! To his credit, my husband didn’t even bat an eyelid. He didn’t have to; his body language said it all: if this will get you off my back, I will gladly do this for you! Thank goodness for walk in hours at the base legal office….it’s always great when someone is willing to accommodate the neuroses of a military spouse trying to squeeze that proverbial last drop of blood out of the turnip.

With all of our powers of attorneys securely stowed away, we set off for lunch. I wish I could say it was a nice romantic lunch in some tucked away corner of a dimly lit restaurant (that was certainly the intent), but the reality of it is, we spent a good two hours discussing how I should raise our son if something were to happen to him. Where and how would he want to be buried? It had always been cremated, at the Air Force Academy, but now he’s leaning towards Arlington because it would be close to us. Who would I contact if something were to happen? Who would contact me? He wanted to know what I would want in case something happened to me. I wondered if they would curtail his assignment if something happened to me. What worried us both was how our son would be raised. We’d always viewed our marriage and child-rearing as a partnership, drawing from both of our strengths and using each other to balance out our weaknesses. The idea that that may not be the case was staggering. Much easier to think of this as the precursor to a long business trip.

How We Met

As we rode the metro in to work this morning (he to the State Department, me to the Pentagon), it dawned on me what I'll miss most over the next year is the easy camaraderie of my best friend when doing the mundane things like commuting to work together.

On the way into the station, he picks up the Express newspaper and points out little items of interest to me during our 20 minute ride. We chuckle at inside jokes and invariably pick out the same items of interest.

He seems to innately know the things that will make me laugh, wind me up or get me going. He pushes my buttons like no one else on this planet and takes great joy in doing so. It's a skill he's developed over the last 17 1/2 years since the day we first met when I was a student at the University of Denver and he was at the Air Force Academy.

Our families and friends still shake their heads and wonder how we ever ended up together; for two more different people could not exist! The night we met, he went around telling everyone that he had just met the woman he was going to marry. I thought he was nice, but had strict instructions from my father to stay away from those fly-boys. We started off as friends, but my husband is and has always been a persistent man.

Pretty soon I was attending his Ring Dance, Hundred's Night and Graduation. Before I knew it, I was taking pictures at his commissioning ceremony and sending him off to Undergraduate Pilot Training in Enid, Oklahoma. I still had a year left of school, so we were on the long distance relationship track. I was planning on going to Law School, have a career, marry later and then raise a family. This man was intent on putting a serious crimp in my plans.

A year after I finished school, we were married at Eglin AFB. Before we left our first assignment together, our son was born. Career goals and law school became a distant memory as I hunkered down to be the "good Air Force wife". When we reported for our first flying assignment to McConnell Air Force Base, things were beginning to pick up again in the Middle East and he was doing back to back deployments to Prince Sultan Air Base.

We joke that during his first time out he helped build tent city; by the time his last deployment to PSAB had rolled around, he was tearing it down.

Our time at McConnell was punctuated by non-stop deployments and stints at different schools. Our son was a year old when we moved to Kansas and it seemed like my husband was missing a lot of firsts. As far as indoctrination in to the Air Force goes, it was a baptism by fire; the last year we were there, he was gone 290 days out of 365. Despite that, I remember our time at McConnell as one of the best assignments we've ever had.

We were fortunate in that my husband flew an airplane that deployed as a squadron. My son and I had no shortage of people to hang out with. The more senior spouses (I laugh as I say this, because back then, the more senior spouses were married to Captains and had a few deployments under their belt), organized playgroups, mother's day outs and holiday dinners. They really seemed to have it all together.

I could not have asked for better examples of all that is best about the military lifestyle. They taught me that the best way to weather a deployment was to: stay informed, be involved, keep busy and most importantly, not hesitate in asking for help if I needed it.

With this remote to Pakistan looming over us, I've started thinking about those times quite a bit lately. We're in a different situation now. We live in the DC area and my husband is stationed at CENTCOM in Florida. His squadron is full of people I will never meet who barely know he exists. Do the same guidelines still apply? I've always been pretty savvy about how the military works, where to find the help when I need it, but what do I do now?

I tell people all the time that you should know the names of the people in your sponsor's orderly room. You should at minimum have the contact names and numbers of key personnel in the squadron.

All great advice....that I should probably follow.

Sharing Our Story

I have been approached with the idea of doing a blog over the course of the next year to chronicle one family's lives and angst as my husband leaves my son and I behind in the Washington DC area to do a year remote in Pakistan. I was more than a little hesitant because I personally know some Army families out there who are facing back to back deployments to the Middle East and wonder, what could I possibly have to say that anyone hasn't already heard from a better source?

I conferred with our former Director of Development whose husband, an Army reservist just returned from a year in Iraq. She listened to my concerns and dismissed them as irrelevant. She told me to treat the blog as a platform to entertain, engage and educate our families on the resources available to them. If we could help one currently serving family who had never been through a deployment or a separation of any kind, it would be well worth it. Knowing her as I do and understanding how passionate she is about helping military families, I took her advice to heart and decided to run with it.

So there you have it, the genesis of this blog. I hope you'll find some value in it and take it in the spirit that's intended. We would love to hear from you, so please share your stories with us and let us know what keeps you up at night. We're all in this together and if you can find a modicum of support here, then it's all worth it.